Five!

I don't even know where to begin- 

Henry, they told me you probably wouldn't walk or talk. They told me don't expect too much from you. They didn't know if you were going to make it... Well here you are, five years, thirty surgeries, loosing your Dad, getting two new brothers, moving, going to pre school and taking on the world daily. You're pretty amazing! 

Not only do you walk, You run!  You fight with your little brother and you know how to throw a punch!  You dance! I laughed so hard tonight when you made up a bedtime dance. 

As for talking, you sing! You work so hard to talk!! You go to speech twice a week at the university and you get it at school too! Your speech is improving leaps and bounds! I understand you more than I don't and you're learning to improve the way you talk! You have strong opinions and even stronger emotions! You can go from levelheaded to flying off the handle in an instant but you generally return to my sweet boy pretty quickly. Oh and you know how to work a crowd! 

You are such a good brother, little and big!  You miss your sister when she is gone and oh how Si looks up to you, as I am sure Alden will too. Silas misses you when you're at school and is always excited for you to return home. 

You're my tender hearted sweet boy. You always seem to know when I need a hug or just need you to come sit by me.  I can't believe I have been lucky enough to have you as my boy! I thank God daily that he saw fit to give you to me.  I love my Henry boy! 

A Wild Ride

I have kind of konked out of the blogging for the last oh, six or so months and I am sorry about that things have been a bit insane. 

As I briefly mentioned in Silas' birthday post, I remarried!  Erick and I married in August and come the middle of September I wasn't feeling very well. Well, come next month our family of 7, with the whole, yours and mine situation will become a yours, mine and OURS family of 8! I have been incredibly ill with this pregnancy, just like all my others and it has blown Erick's mind that anyone could really be THIS sick for THIS long and not have something REALLY wrong with them, who gets that sick just to have a baby? ME! He had been warned, he did not believe me though. I am down nearly 40 pounds and the bruises from the IV's I have been getting pretty consistently since week 10 are finally starting to fade, I think I stopped last Saturday at 32 weeks.  

Through all of the sickness and baby prep we MOVED! We are now two doors down from my parents in an old falling down house that had a huge back yard and lots of potential. We are hoping maybe it can be ours someday but in the meanwhile we are trying to make it home and getting used to all of its quirks, ie  cabinet doors falling off randomly, the heat not working on the second floor and the sliding doors having to be locked with sticks to make sure they stay closed. 

Grace began the first grade and is in my mother's class. She loves it and is LOVING the fact that she is old enough to walk to school all by herself (moving directly across the school helped that landmark a lot!)  

Henry had his 25th surgery to remove all the mandibular distraction hardware from his face, and sadly had to have another plate put in because his jaw didn't heal correctly, which will have to be removed in about 6 months.  He is attending speech at USU twice a week and when he is allowed to go to preschool (not recovering from surgery) he attends the special needs preschool through the school district 4 days a week and loves it! 

Silas won't stop talking and we wouldn't want him to. From son up to son down that kid is making noise!  He is an explorer and  wandering off is his specialty, typically to my parents house to climb onto the four wheeler and holler for papa to take him on a ride.  He is learning the hard way he is NOT allowed to go into the street and loves to stomp his feet and throw his arms down when he is told that he needs to stay home! 

We have quite the little farm started. Erick,  my dear Idaho Farm Boy  has began quite the grand garden outback and there are currently TWELVE chicks, two geese and a duck living in my kitchen in totes until its warm enough for them to move into the coop my IFB will be building. 

We have undergone quite the shift in our ride and although the road hasn't always been smooth we are chugging along. Together. 

To Silas a Belated Birthday

Silas-

August 6th came and went and your poor mommy completely forgot to write you a letter for your birthday. She was a little busy at the time.

Turning one wasn't that big of a deal to you. You are alway so happy and ready for anything. You always have a big toothy grin spread across your face and you are a delight to be around. (Most of the time, if you are teething you're not much fun!) You have this laugh that pulls people towards you and you have those big blue eyes that let you get away with nearly anything you want.

You were starting to cruise around the furniture and even taking 2-3 steps just as you turned one. You were an excellent crawler and could get into anything you wanted. You are fascinated with the toilet and all manner of things you could put into it, mainly your hands! You love peaches and sweet potatoes and your favorite thing is to eat and nurse!

You have become quite fond of a friend of mine, you even call him Dad!  His name is Erick and two days after you turned one, I married him!  So calling him Dad is totally fine and to be honest he lights up every time you do it. However, you seem to forget that I am the one that has fed and changed you the majority of your life and I am your favorite! As cool as Erick is, Mom is the favorite, got that?

Right after you turned one (well a month) you were playing at the park with your brother and sister and well, Grace tried to "help" you up the slide and fell on top of you. Sadly, she broke your leg and oh she was devastated that she might have hurt you!  You only fussed a little bit but didn't act too distraught. You wanted to nurse, something I am still trying to figure out how to get to you to stop and well when I tried to get you to walk to Papa about an hour later you wouldn't put any weight on it. A buckle fracture right below your left knee.  You didn't let that slow you down though! You quickly learned to crawl and get around with the cast and even had to have it replaced because you wore a hole in it!

You love to be outside and I could fill this blog with so many pictures of you covered in dirt, out in the garden helping yourself to tomatoes!  Or my basil that was by the front door! As soon as the front door is open you are gone! That goes for any door for that matter. If you see your chance you take it! You love to be outside to play in the dirt and just be a boy!

You are a delight my fat baby Si and I can't look at you without being so happy and grateful that I am your momma!

Love,

Mom

To Grace on Her 6th Birthday (Okay so I'm a couple of weeks past due)

To My Dearest Grace-

You never cease to astound me. 

You have had an incredible year! You got to meet all of your favorite Disney Princesses just after you turned five.

You conquered an ocean and you have learned how to swim!  

You completed preschool and even started kindergarten. 

You have shown me how very strong you are and how resilent you are. You lost your best friend and the man you loved and knew as Daddy in March and you tell me nearly every day how much you miss him. You give me hope because you seem to know that this separation is only temporary and we will get to all be together again one day. 

You got a new baby brother this year and you adore him! You are such a good big sister. Henry is your best friend and you two play so well together when you want to, other times you are not so thrilled about playing with a BOY, but you generally can be found playing hide and seek or curled up next to Henry playing on the iPad or watching a movie together. Sometimes you even read to him, I love it when you do that! 

You love to go to Church and sing primary songs. You want to learn all the songs for the primary program and you even memorized your part. "My life is a gift, my life has a plan!" You were so brave to get up in front of everyone and tell the whole ward your line.

You keep me on my toes and you are very opinionated. You know how you want things and if they are not just so you tend to have something to say about it. 

You give me the best hugs and seem to know when I need them. You are such a blessing to me and you remind me how great it is to be your mom, every single day! 

I love you Grace Daisy!

Mom

To Henry on his 3rd Birthday

Henry-

First off I want to tell you how proud I am of all you have accomplished this year. I can't believe that YOU my little boy have grown so much.  You have been through so many hard things in your short life, and you always have a brilliant smile on your face. Except when making your angry face, I LOVE your angry face but even when you do that it warps into a smile in moments.

You started off your second year by learning to walk. Your first sure footed steps were to Mickey Mouse at Disneyland! I cried and your dad was so very proud of you.  The doctors had told us that you may not ever be strong enough to walk without braces and a walker but you showed them.  In addition to beginning to walk at two, you also really started to pick up sign language. You love to show off and are great at getting your point across. You are amazing!

Then you lost your best friend, he was mine too. I know you miss him, I do too but I know that he lives in you. You have his eyes, his smile, his sharp mind, his mischevious nature, his ability to make anyone fall in love with you, and his good heart. Today while you were walking to the bus I couldn't help but think of how proud your daddy would have been of you.

You had three surgeries in June (you had your tonsils and adnoids out, and something called a supraglotoplasty) and I was afraid I was going to loose you, and came pretty close to in fact. You had a rough go but once you healed you began to soar!   You started to make sounds I had never heard come out of your mouth before and you tried to talk! You are slowly finding your voice and I am so excited to see how much more you will talk this coming year!

You became a big brother in August and although you weren't so sure about Silas in the beginning you are now very protective of him. Whenever we get out of the car you very quickly remind me to get "EYE" (Si).  You love your brother and are very good to help me with anything I need for him.

You got to begin preschool at the University in October and you loved it.  Lil' Aggies has been great for you. You also got your iPad and although you can do pretty much anything you want with it we are both learning how to use your "speak for yourself" app.

You have had pneumonia twice already since November and have been feeling a little off, but you're improving and starting to finally feel better.

Now here we are to your birthday. You went to your first day of school at Canyon Elementary in their special needs preschool. THEY  LOVED YOU!  Your teacher Miss Jamie told me how adorable you looked and how friendly you were with everyone. You were such a big boy to ride the bus to school and you were so very proud of yourself carting your backpack behind you, its nearly as big as you are but you love it.

Your laughter and smile fill my heart with joy. I can't help but give in when you sign please and ask to watch your favorite movies, Mary Poppins has been in near constant rotation along with Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. You love music and will dance in your carseat when Luke Bryan comes on. You are so independent and smart. You have been eating oranges like there is no tomorrow lately and Mimi has had them in a basket on the counter, you went into the pantry and pulled out the step stool so you could get to them. You adore Papa and he is the first person you ask for when you wake up, after you have checked on Si of course. You love to tease Grace and when she is gone you miss her desperately.

Three is going to be a big year for you! I  can hardly wait to see you being potty trained (very soon I hope) and I am so looking forward to hearing you talk more!

I love you my dear, sweet, boy from that brief moment I got to hold you before they whisked you away I knew I would never be the same again. You have changed my life, my world and you have brought joy to so many. I love you so very much and your father loves you too, I know he wishes he was still here with you, you were the light of his life!

Love.

Mom

My Hands Are Full but So Is My Heart

If Tomorrow Never Comes

So this evening I have been indulging in my favorite thing. Garth Brooks. The new box set available at Walmart, has got to be the best therapy I have had in a long time. I have sat here with a dumb look on my face for the last hour or so, and then he got to his music. His first number one.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, now this is a song that I have always loved but tonight it struck a chord tonight.

I have a treasured memory. It was of a fight Chase and I had one night. A treasured memory of a fight, sounds crazy right? Oh and it was a doozy. We went to bed not talking and I think he even left for work without me kissing him goodbye, something that only happened a handful of times, but that fight led to one of my most treasured items from him. An email. That's right. An email. Now the background information you need, is our fight was simple. I asked one question, it had been a quiet evening at home we had watched tv together and something on tv sparked a conversation that led to the fateful question which was the long and the short of it, the whole fight. I asked. "What do you love about me?" and rather than telling me something specific, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Everything." That was his whole answer. I prodded for more information but all he would give me was, "Everything."

Emily, I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m really sorry for last night.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get the dishes done.  I will if you let me.  But, I wanted to take a moment and tell you some reasons that I love you. I love:·         That you haven’t given up on me.·         That I will never give up on you.·         Your beauty, inside and out.·         That you are answer to my prayers.·         That we have 2 beautiful, wonderful children, and another on the way.·         That you make me want to be a better person, and remind me when I am falling short.·         To make you laugh.·         When you make me laugh.·         Your thoughtfulness.·         Our life together.·         That you look beautiful when you sleep and don’t snore.·         The way you take care of all of us.·         Your cooking. Mmmmmm good.·         The way we make up after a fight.·         How great of a MOM you are.·         That you love my parents, I didn’t say like.·         That you are not afraid to show affection.·         That you want to be with me and only me.·         Your old soul.·         That you will watch sports and sometimes Teen Mom, even though, I know you don’t care for either.·         That you have a testimony and use it. This is not everything, but I know that saying I love everything about you is not as meaningful as I hope this is. Most of all, I truly love how I love you.  I wouldn’t have it any other way. Love,Chase 

This email, showed me just how much my husband loved me. He took time out of his busy day at work to make sure that I knew some of the reasons why he loved me.

While listening to If Tomorrow Never Comes tonight, I was grateful that Chase took the time to show me how much he loved me.

 

To My Husband on His 30th Birthday

To My Husband On His Birthday-

Chase-

Thirty years ago today, you were born bringing love and joy with you when you came.  I have spent much of today thinking of you and all that you have taught me throughout our relationship. I thought I would jot these thoughts down to share them.

You have taught me the true meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. (NIV)

In being your wife, I have learned patience and how to reign in my temper, I am not perfect and am still learning, but I have come a long way.  You have taught me the importance of forgiveness and how vital it is to a relationship and not just needing to forgive each other but that it is also very important it is to forgive ourselves.  You have taught me to be fiercely loyal to my spouse. I have stood by you when I haven't wanted anything to do with you and we have come through those things stronger and more in love than before. And, finally you have taught me that you have to have hope when loving, hope that love will persevere. 

In addition to love you have taught me to be true to myself. You have encouraged me to really find my faith and even though I have had my ups and downs, you have always reminded me that I know what is right. 

You are my best friend and sweetheart. I love you with every fiber of my being and I miss you every moment of every day. 

Emily

Today was a hard day. A triple whammy, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Chase's Birthday. I started off my day with all of my children somehow managing to end up curled up in my bed. They all wanted to be close. Henry asked for Chase all morning, something he has been doing a lot of lately it breaks my heart that I can't give him what he wants. We went down to my in-laws house for breakfast, to visit, and go to the cemetery. The children decorated little ornaments to put on a little tree that we placed graveside.

They sang Happy Birthday and my heart broke a little more. After the visit to the cemetery we visited a bit more then I headed back home to grab the pies, sweet potatoes and rolls that were my contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner and headed off to my little brothers house. Dinner was wonderful, they had a great moist bird and dinner was beautiful. In keeping with tradition we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I choked up, but was able to manage to get out that this year, I was thankful for my children's health and for Chase. He gave me two wonderful boys and the lessons I have learned from loving him are incalculable. 

Now I am home, the children are all safely tucked into their beds and I sit here fulfilling my need to express my sorrow, heartache, and appreciation for the time I had with my husband. He was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was exactly what I needed in my life, and I have learned so much from him in the all too short time we were together. Our 3 wedding anniversary would have been next month. It was four years ago this week that He and I met and my life has never been the same. 

Come Wake Me Up

I used to take pictures of Chase asleep all the time. I loved to capture him vulnerable and at peace. There was a peace and sometimes relief that washed over me when he would fall asleep. Listening to him recount his dreams, the ones he remember was always fascinating. 

My dreams lately have been of the not so friendly variety. 

They tend to involve traumatic events, a sense of abandonment and lots of heartache. 

I used to love to dream now I fear it. There is such a sense of loss, and the dreams are so real I am unsure of what is reality and what is the nightmare. So many other things seem more plausible than Chase really being gone. 

I still can't imagine life without him he's still a part of me. I wonder, after a sudden and let's face it devastating loss when does one really find their new normal?

Service

Service is something that I have grown up practicing, or at least trying to it had been ingrained deep within my mind when I was young. My mother would play Brite Music to my siblings and I on LONG car trips, our favorite was always the tape on Service. I was taught by example, my mother would (and still does) take food to those in need, my father would help in any way that was needed he pushes snow in the winter and is always willing to lend a helping hand. 

I always feel so much better when I complete my visiting teaching, take dinner to a family in need, or do something for someone that just needs a little extra lift. However, I have never been entirely comfortable being on the receiving end of service.  I have generally felt like there were so many other people that could use the help more than I could. 

Since becoming a widow and single mom of three I have had to bite the bullet, swallow my pride and be willing to allow others to serve me.  I have a friend that is constantly reminding me that I need to allow others to serve me, that's part of service! 

I have been incredibly blessed in so many different ways, by so many different people and I want to point out that sometimes we all need to allow others to serve us!

“God does notice us, and He watches over us.

 But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.”

– Spencer W. Kimball

Tonight, my ward's young men and young women showed up at my house on a service scavenger hunt and marked everything (except raking leaves) off their list in one fell swoop. 

The list included:

• changing a diaper
• clean a toilet (both of my toilets are sparkling!)
• put away dishes
• do dishes
• clean off a kitchen table
• sweep the kitchen
• vacuum a room
• scrub a bathtub
• wash windows
• wash a door
• fold laundry
• read a story to a child

Not only did they do all these things but part of the way they had to get the chores marked off was it had to be done to the person being served satisfaction! Now if you take all of those things and add them together, what the youth in my ward accomplished in 40 minutes would have honestly taken me two very full days to accomplish! 

There is a woman in my ward that has come to my home on countless occasions to clean. She called up my mother and offered her service a week or two after Chase passed. I was NOT interested in letting a woman I had only met in passing at church come over and clean my house but my mother made arrangements and I am eternally grateful for both of them seeing that I needed the help. This woman has 4 of her own children and yet she has found the time to help me with mine. She has become a close friend and confidant. While I was pregnant with Silas, she was the only reason my laundry was done. She knows where everything in my house belongs and she has come over even when I'm not home to clean. If I can't find something in my home, I call her and 90% of the time she can tell me where to look for it.  There is now a second woman from my ward that has joined in and has come over for a couple of hours the past few weeks to help me get caught up on cleaning.

Then there are the girls that come to babysit so I can attend the temple or just get out of the house and have some "me" time. They really don't understand how much I appreciate the quiet moments they allow me. I LOVE being a mom but sometimes its nice to just be Emily for a couple of hours. 

I am grateful for my opportunities to serve AND be served. I encourage you to serve but also to allow others to serve you as well! 

To Infinity and Beyond

I am currently surrounded by women who are expecting or hoping to be expecting their second child. A reoccurring topic of conversation lately has been, their many various fears about expanding their families the biggest always seems to be that they will not be able to love the next child as much as they love their current one.

I am so grateful that this was never a worry for me. I am not bragging, I have just been blessed to have had very wise women before me explain to me that when it comes to love the heart can always stand to hold MORE.

Love is not a finite thing, it is in fact infinite. 

Its like pie. You don't keep it all to yourself. You share it. And love is like a magic pie that never runs out. There is always more to have, to share, to enjoy!

Timeless

Looking through some photos over the last few nights I realized that there are a few photos of Chase in which he had reached "Timeless" status.

I have often thought of people hitting a point in their lives where they were "Timeless" that age at which they will stop aging in your mind and they will always look that way to you.

I think my mother is approaching that point, when I think of her, even in memories she looks the way she does now. Timeless.

{Granted, this photo was from a few summers ago but I saw it the other night and LOVED it}

I once tried to describe a character in one of the stories I was working on as "Timeless" I don't know If I have reached that stage yet or not, but I am afraid that the wrinkles that I have come by lately are going to make me look OLD not "Timeless".

It's Going to Get Darker Before It Gets Lighter

My father picked me up from the airport this week, we stopped for a quick bite to eat and were off on our way again. My father works nights and had been up running errands and helping take care of my kids while I was gone. By the time we were heading home he was spent. I offered to drive and he politely refused as we continued on our way I could see him struggling.  He took a deep breath and admitted that he was tired and a moment later started to pull over. He said something that struck me. "Admitting it made it worst!"

That got me to thinking. 

I have been having a really difficult time with my grief lately but I don't want to admit it because if I do, it makes it worse! 

So I am not going to admit that I am completely overwhelmed being a single mother of three. I will not admit that my heart feels like it is breaking more each day. I will not admit that I feel like I'm dying inside without Chase. I will not admit that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of negative emotions and I feel like they are going to swallow me up.

Because, if I admit to it, it will make it worse.

On the Topic of Sleep

I have been thinking about sleep a lot lately, it is something our bodies NEED to function and going without creates all sorts of havoc in our lives. I write this as I am fighting with Henry. Trying to convince him that sleeping in HIS bed is much preferred to mine. He has recently learned how to climb out of his crib, and being almost three it was to be expected, however it means he does NOT want to sleep in his bed and he very much so prefers to sleep in mine.

Now, if I was a tender hearted woman I wouldn't mind him sleeping next me but I have NEVER claimed to be such. I LIKE, neigh I LOVE my sleep and treasure what little amounts of it I get, and sleeping next to Henry is like sleeping next to the railroad tracks. Freight train running through constantly!

This new development of Henry refusing to sleep in his own bed comes just as Grace is beginning to actually sleep in hers! I have spent the last several months dreading bedtime because it was not only a battle but an all out war, EVERY NIGHT! Grace would be up 8-12 times from the time I would put her to bed at 7:30, the household bedtime, until 11:30 p.m. -12:00 a.m.  I tried running her ragged with physically taxing activities, hours at the playground, playing with cousins, countless baths, threats, bribery, anything I could possibly think of, she refused to go to bed until she physically couldn't stay awake anymore and many nights even after she had fallen asleep she would end up waking up and joining me in my bed. Until one day while at the dollar store I came across the greatest thing EVER!!!

Dr. Fresh Naturals- Melatonin Strips 

{I have not been paid to endorse this product.

if someone would like to pay me,

 please feel free to send me money!}

These miracle strips have brought peace, love and harmony back to my home. Well, in Grace's sleeping pattern anyway. I give her one, or even half of one and she is ready and WILLING to go to bed within 20 minutes. That's right folks 20 minutes!  I asked my family prac, what he thought and he said that melatonin was safe and if it worked GREAT!  Now with the ink still drying on the war-ending treaty with Grace, Henry has began one of his own. Its as though he sensed my bed was "empty" and decided to remedy that situation the best he could. I am not a fan. Yes, I enjoy cuddling with my boy but when it comes time to sleep I prefer to do it without anyone touching me and in relative quiet. After many tears and prayers on both of our parts tonight I am happy to report that Henry is currently asleep in his bed! I am hoping and praying he remains there. 

I am fairly certain as soon as Henry gets back on the right track, Silas will step up and hit a growth spurt and want to nurse constantly and take that "empty" spot in my bed.

Between the three children I have its a miracle I ever come across any amount of sleep, yet when I do finally get some sleeps I am plagued by restless sleep accompanied with the more often that I would like to admit to awful nightmare.  I used to love sleep but now to be completely honest, I am almost afraid of it. The nightmares happen more often than not and they often wake me between 3:30-4:00 a.m. and then it takes hours to fall back to sleep and when I finally do, its just as my children are waking up, be it to eat, or for the day.  I long for the day that sleeping with again be a pleasure, will that ever happen again?

Its quarter to nine, Silas will be waking up to eat fairly soon and I will hopefully get some rest after that.

A Voice For Henry

Sometimes life gets away from you. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months, adjusting to having three children, school started for Grace, Henry is beginning the transition process into preschool and Silas is growing like a weed.  So I have been a little busy and have not found the time to write yet this morning I need to.

Henry begins preschool at the end of the month and we have been working with the Up to Three program to determine the best way for Henry to communicate in an everyday school setting. It was decided that an iPad would most likely be the best option, but they are expensive and the apps needed are almost as much as the iPad itself.  My mother came across a website that helps you to set up fundraisers and through my mother's genius A Voice For Henry was created.

I am completely overwhelmed at the showing of love and support not only from our family and community but from complete strangers as well! We reached our goal within two days and even exceeded it!

Its amazing how many people this little boy has touched and I am very pleased to say that Henry will be getting an iPad with the needed Apps and a child friendly (envision being dropped and still being okay) case. I cannot thank everyone enough I am so excited to watch Henry develop his communication skills even further with this tool and I will happily keep you all updated!

A Much Needed Reminder

I took a me day today. Its been a very long time since I did that.

Henry woke up at 9:30 but was kind enough to fall back to sleep until 10. Silas was willing to eat while laying down with me, nursing and sleeping makes me nervous but I was so exhausted I couldn't physically sit up and feed him at the same time, it just wasn't going to work.  When we all finally were up we ran up to my mothers to take a requested item to my sister that was out harassing I mean visiting my our mother.

Henry asked for a drink while we were there and I found some chocolate milk in the fridge, the expiration date had passed (by a couple of days) but there was no odd smell or bad taste so I thought it was safe... An hour and a half or so later while he threw up all over the floor, all over Silas, all over me, I began to think that maybe the milk wasn't so safe after all. And of course the bouts of vomit happened just when Si decided he was starving. Have you ever tried to comfort a child that is actively vomiting while breastfeeding another? Its not in my top ten list of fun things to do. Henry finally stopped puking (and after we ALL had a quick scrub down in the shower) was out cold on the couch -that NEVER happens!!! he is a sleep in his bed and only his bed kind of kid- while Si knocked out in my arms and was carefully transferred to his recliner.

I made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, swept the main floor, and made two different kinds of dessert all while both of my boys slept within my sight and Pandora played my favorite station. Today, turned into a day that I desperately needed, I had a legitimate excuse to NOT be at church. Not that I didn't want to go, but lets face it today I just didn't want to go and having a child that can't go more than 4 minutes without puking seemed like a good reason to forgo it.

So I did something I haven't done in a long time. I made a big pot of gumbo! With fresh peppers, some of which were from my very own garden and onions and gigantic heirloom tomatoes! Last night I invited all my family to come to dinner tonight. My parents, brother and his wife, friend and her sister and in-laws RSVP'd. So instead of being lazy I HAD to do something.  In addition to the gumbo that I could make in my sleep, I tried two recipes from Pinterest one for a Malted Milk Cake this is the second time I have tried this cake and the flavor was incredible but the cake ended up being sticky and it fell in the center. I didn't even bother icing it, but it did get eaten! The second Cake was supposed to be The Most Amazing Chocolate Cake - it was good I think it lacked a round flavor, and had a bitter after taste but that's just me everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

I was so very glad to have everyone over, even if it meant a lot of dishes and some extra work. It kept me busy and made me remember that I was good at something even if there were a few disasters along the way... did I mention the fact that I burnt half the peppers to the bottom of the pot, and started a small fire in my oven while baking the cakes? Typical misadventures of this girl but it ended up being a pretty stellar day and being able to spend a day or several hours in the kitchen doing something I love, for people I love was probably the best therapy I have had in a long time and it was I will admit something I was in desperate need of.

My Last Birthday

Well this girl is now 29 years old!

I celebrated my birthday by cleaning house. My good friend, confidant, therapist and lets face it someone that I honestly know I couldn't have survived the last 6 months without, came over and helped me get my house picked up and clean for my birthday. She brought me a basket full of sunshine, cute little trinkets, lip balm, lemon drops and smell goods, perfume, bodywash, yellow sunflower shaped loofah, and air freshener.  She played therapist and listened to me grieve, on more than one occasion. We are kindred spirits and I am so very grateful for her.

My little sister and niece came over and they helped make apple butter and and then Anna tweezed my eyebrows while another friend stopped by with her son. Bringing me two lovely yellow roses and she stated they are yellow roses because we are FRIENDS!

I had to take Grace down to The Ex  and as we were preparing to go I was doing a few last minute clean up things in the kitchen while Grace readied to go and I looked at the clock on the stove like I had a thousand times before and saw that it was 5 :24 pm and I instantly thought, "Chase should be home any minute, I wonder what he has planned for us." And then reality caught up with me, threw me to the ground as hard as it could and stomped on me. It took me a moment to catch my breath but the crazy thing is, I did.

So we headed to Fruit Heights to drop Grace off and after that my mom Henry, Si and I ran over to my cousins new-to-them 1940's home in Bountiful, its cute and quirky and I know that his lovely wife (and designer of this blog) will make it into a wonderful and lovely home. They were gracious enough to send us home with a box full of peaches, that I believe are destined to become filling of a belated birthday cake and a peach jalepeno jam.

By 9:30 I realized I hadn't eaten anything the whole day and decided I probably should. We enjoyed dinner at Pei Wei. Had a touching conversation with a cook. His name was Anthony and he was enamored with Silas, he had the look of a man that was fascinated by babies. He admitted that he and his wife were expecting their own on Halloween, and then as he looked at my boys I could see heartache surfacing.  He pointed to a tatoo on his arm, angel wings and a name. He told us of a son that he and his wife had lost at 31 weeks, my heart broke for him and I teared up. I told him that Henry had been born with a birth defect and I could relate to being in awe that any child is ever born healthy. We discussed the loss of his son and the awful process that it was and then my mom looked at me as if asking permission. She told him that I had just lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and just had this baby a month ago.

It never ceases to amaze me that somehow people that are grieving seem to find one another. I have had several experiences as of late of people that seem to be drawn to me and vice versa, and we come to find that we share a common thread, grief although completely different types seems to draw us closer together. Anthony wished me a happy birthday, handed me a gift card for my next visit and we both wished each other well.

 We headed home exhausted from the pursuits of our day.

I had just finished feeding Silas and was getting into bed when my phone rang. Four minutes until midnight.  It was my father calling from work. "I wanted to be the LAST one to wish you a happy birthday," he said and then told me he remembered the day I was born and how excited he was to have a daughter. I could relate to that excitement because my excitement about Silas arriving a month ago is still so fresh. He also told me he loved me and that he was proud of me! Now my dad does use the word proud very often, the whole not being prideful thing (this is said in good humor) but he told me he was impressed with how I have handled all that has come my way not only this last year but throughout my life. He said, "My grandma would say You've got grit!"

*I cried, I cried a lot!*

All in all, it was not the worst birthday I have ever had, that's a whole other story and one I'm not up for reliving at the moment but it probably was the hardest one. But, I survived. Heck, I have even made it through another day of being 29 and the world hasn't ended!

One day, one moment, one instant at a time. Its been almost 6 months that I've made it through. I have found recently that I can do hard things, even when I don't want to. I have 3 wonderful children that are fairing pretty well because I keep going and haven't given up even when I wanted to.

I have yet to have a year of my life I would ever want to repeat but I'm 29 now and since Chase will forever be 29, I'm hoping that 29 is pretty good for me because I'll be repeating it from here on out bring on 29A...29B...29C etc.

Tonight I Wanna Cry...

I have now given birth three times and ever since the first time I have dreaded the first week postpardtum, the afterbirth pains, the recovery, milk coming in and most of all the surge of hormones and scary emotional roller coaster that ensues.  I am now four days out and I have been pretty proud of myself and how I have been doing, but today its like it hit me. I have been down and mopey all day. I have done my best to stay out of the funk but today its kind of enveloped me and I couldn't seem to shake it. 

Everytime my mind has drifted to the pain of my loss I have fought back replaced it with a happy thought or memory trying to avoid the hurt but today its been hard, and I couldn't figure it out why I couldn't make it work.  Then tonight it hit me.

Today is August 10th. Its been five months since Chase passed away. Five months. 

Thinking about how Chase won't hold our son. Thinking about how much he's going miss. Thinking about all the photos I won't get to take. All the moments that will be missing something, someone. 

I found a beautiful quote today, "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." ~C. S. Lewis 

A Birth Story- Silas Clark

This is a place holder post. Eventually this will be the story of Silas' birth. Tonight however it is just a placeholder. I am too tired tonight to write about it. My heart is full of many different emotions tonight.

Becoming A Memory

Tonight after the children were in bed and Dr. Who just wasn't cutting it, I popped downstairs for something to occupy my tastebuds. Finding my distraction in the freezer I quietly meandered through my main floor. I paused in front of the curio cabinet transfixed on the face of someone I used to know. Someone that is slowly becoming a memory. This was a daunting realization. Just a memory.

My heart is breaking a little more tonight because I realize that memories fade. I don't want him to fade, I want him here. More than anything. I ache for him but time moves on. The sun rises and sets. The seasons are changing. My life is changing and as much as I wish I could turn back the clock erase all the bad. FIX this horrible change. I can't and every day that passes he slips more into the realm of memory, instead of reality.