To Infinity and Beyond

I am currently surrounded by women who are expecting or hoping to be expecting their second child. A reoccurring topic of conversation lately has been, their many various fears about expanding their families the biggest always seems to be that they will not be able to love the next child as much as they love their current one.

I am so grateful that this was never a worry for me. I am not bragging, I have just been blessed to have had very wise women before me explain to me that when it comes to love the heart can always stand to hold MORE.

Love is not a finite thing, it is in fact infinite. 

Its like pie. You don't keep it all to yourself. You share it. And love is like a magic pie that never runs out. There is always more to have, to share, to enjoy!

Timeless

Looking through some photos over the last few nights I realized that there are a few photos of Chase in which he had reached "Timeless" status.

I have often thought of people hitting a point in their lives where they were "Timeless" that age at which they will stop aging in your mind and they will always look that way to you.

I think my mother is approaching that point, when I think of her, even in memories she looks the way she does now. Timeless.

{Granted, this photo was from a few summers ago but I saw it the other night and LOVED it}

I once tried to describe a character in one of the stories I was working on as "Timeless" I don't know If I have reached that stage yet or not, but I am afraid that the wrinkles that I have come by lately are going to make me look OLD not "Timeless".

It's Going to Get Darker Before It Gets Lighter

My father picked me up from the airport this week, we stopped for a quick bite to eat and were off on our way again. My father works nights and had been up running errands and helping take care of my kids while I was gone. By the time we were heading home he was spent. I offered to drive and he politely refused as we continued on our way I could see him struggling.  He took a deep breath and admitted that he was tired and a moment later started to pull over. He said something that struck me. "Admitting it made it worst!"

That got me to thinking. 

I have been having a really difficult time with my grief lately but I don't want to admit it because if I do, it makes it worse! 

So I am not going to admit that I am completely overwhelmed being a single mother of three. I will not admit that my heart feels like it is breaking more each day. I will not admit that I feel like I'm dying inside without Chase. I will not admit that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of negative emotions and I feel like they are going to swallow me up.

Because, if I admit to it, it will make it worse.

On the Topic of Sleep

I have been thinking about sleep a lot lately, it is something our bodies NEED to function and going without creates all sorts of havoc in our lives. I write this as I am fighting with Henry. Trying to convince him that sleeping in HIS bed is much preferred to mine. He has recently learned how to climb out of his crib, and being almost three it was to be expected, however it means he does NOT want to sleep in his bed and he very much so prefers to sleep in mine.

Now, if I was a tender hearted woman I wouldn't mind him sleeping next me but I have NEVER claimed to be such. I LIKE, neigh I LOVE my sleep and treasure what little amounts of it I get, and sleeping next to Henry is like sleeping next to the railroad tracks. Freight train running through constantly!

This new development of Henry refusing to sleep in his own bed comes just as Grace is beginning to actually sleep in hers! I have spent the last several months dreading bedtime because it was not only a battle but an all out war, EVERY NIGHT! Grace would be up 8-12 times from the time I would put her to bed at 7:30, the household bedtime, until 11:30 p.m. -12:00 a.m.  I tried running her ragged with physically taxing activities, hours at the playground, playing with cousins, countless baths, threats, bribery, anything I could possibly think of, she refused to go to bed until she physically couldn't stay awake anymore and many nights even after she had fallen asleep she would end up waking up and joining me in my bed. Until one day while at the dollar store I came across the greatest thing EVER!!!

Dr. Fresh Naturals- Melatonin Strips 

{I have not been paid to endorse this product.

if someone would like to pay me,

 please feel free to send me money!}

These miracle strips have brought peace, love and harmony back to my home. Well, in Grace's sleeping pattern anyway. I give her one, or even half of one and she is ready and WILLING to go to bed within 20 minutes. That's right folks 20 minutes!  I asked my family prac, what he thought and he said that melatonin was safe and if it worked GREAT!  Now with the ink still drying on the war-ending treaty with Grace, Henry has began one of his own. Its as though he sensed my bed was "empty" and decided to remedy that situation the best he could. I am not a fan. Yes, I enjoy cuddling with my boy but when it comes time to sleep I prefer to do it without anyone touching me and in relative quiet. After many tears and prayers on both of our parts tonight I am happy to report that Henry is currently asleep in his bed! I am hoping and praying he remains there. 

I am fairly certain as soon as Henry gets back on the right track, Silas will step up and hit a growth spurt and want to nurse constantly and take that "empty" spot in my bed.

Between the three children I have its a miracle I ever come across any amount of sleep, yet when I do finally get some sleeps I am plagued by restless sleep accompanied with the more often that I would like to admit to awful nightmare.  I used to love sleep but now to be completely honest, I am almost afraid of it. The nightmares happen more often than not and they often wake me between 3:30-4:00 a.m. and then it takes hours to fall back to sleep and when I finally do, its just as my children are waking up, be it to eat, or for the day.  I long for the day that sleeping with again be a pleasure, will that ever happen again?

Its quarter to nine, Silas will be waking up to eat fairly soon and I will hopefully get some rest after that.

A Voice For Henry

Sometimes life gets away from you. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months, adjusting to having three children, school started for Grace, Henry is beginning the transition process into preschool and Silas is growing like a weed.  So I have been a little busy and have not found the time to write yet this morning I need to.

Henry begins preschool at the end of the month and we have been working with the Up to Three program to determine the best way for Henry to communicate in an everyday school setting. It was decided that an iPad would most likely be the best option, but they are expensive and the apps needed are almost as much as the iPad itself.  My mother came across a website that helps you to set up fundraisers and through my mother's genius A Voice For Henry was created.

I am completely overwhelmed at the showing of love and support not only from our family and community but from complete strangers as well! We reached our goal within two days and even exceeded it!

Its amazing how many people this little boy has touched and I am very pleased to say that Henry will be getting an iPad with the needed Apps and a child friendly (envision being dropped and still being okay) case. I cannot thank everyone enough I am so excited to watch Henry develop his communication skills even further with this tool and I will happily keep you all updated!

A Much Needed Reminder

I took a me day today. Its been a very long time since I did that.

Henry woke up at 9:30 but was kind enough to fall back to sleep until 10. Silas was willing to eat while laying down with me, nursing and sleeping makes me nervous but I was so exhausted I couldn't physically sit up and feed him at the same time, it just wasn't going to work.  When we all finally were up we ran up to my mothers to take a requested item to my sister that was out harassing I mean visiting my our mother.

Henry asked for a drink while we were there and I found some chocolate milk in the fridge, the expiration date had passed (by a couple of days) but there was no odd smell or bad taste so I thought it was safe... An hour and a half or so later while he threw up all over the floor, all over Silas, all over me, I began to think that maybe the milk wasn't so safe after all. And of course the bouts of vomit happened just when Si decided he was starving. Have you ever tried to comfort a child that is actively vomiting while breastfeeding another? Its not in my top ten list of fun things to do. Henry finally stopped puking (and after we ALL had a quick scrub down in the shower) was out cold on the couch -that NEVER happens!!! he is a sleep in his bed and only his bed kind of kid- while Si knocked out in my arms and was carefully transferred to his recliner.

I made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, swept the main floor, and made two different kinds of dessert all while both of my boys slept within my sight and Pandora played my favorite station. Today, turned into a day that I desperately needed, I had a legitimate excuse to NOT be at church. Not that I didn't want to go, but lets face it today I just didn't want to go and having a child that can't go more than 4 minutes without puking seemed like a good reason to forgo it.

So I did something I haven't done in a long time. I made a big pot of gumbo! With fresh peppers, some of which were from my very own garden and onions and gigantic heirloom tomatoes! Last night I invited all my family to come to dinner tonight. My parents, brother and his wife, friend and her sister and in-laws RSVP'd. So instead of being lazy I HAD to do something.  In addition to the gumbo that I could make in my sleep, I tried two recipes from Pinterest one for a Malted Milk Cake this is the second time I have tried this cake and the flavor was incredible but the cake ended up being sticky and it fell in the center. I didn't even bother icing it, but it did get eaten! The second Cake was supposed to be The Most Amazing Chocolate Cake - it was good I think it lacked a round flavor, and had a bitter after taste but that's just me everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

I was so very glad to have everyone over, even if it meant a lot of dishes and some extra work. It kept me busy and made me remember that I was good at something even if there were a few disasters along the way... did I mention the fact that I burnt half the peppers to the bottom of the pot, and started a small fire in my oven while baking the cakes? Typical misadventures of this girl but it ended up being a pretty stellar day and being able to spend a day or several hours in the kitchen doing something I love, for people I love was probably the best therapy I have had in a long time and it was I will admit something I was in desperate need of.

My Last Birthday

Well this girl is now 29 years old!

I celebrated my birthday by cleaning house. My good friend, confidant, therapist and lets face it someone that I honestly know I couldn't have survived the last 6 months without, came over and helped me get my house picked up and clean for my birthday. She brought me a basket full of sunshine, cute little trinkets, lip balm, lemon drops and smell goods, perfume, bodywash, yellow sunflower shaped loofah, and air freshener.  She played therapist and listened to me grieve, on more than one occasion. We are kindred spirits and I am so very grateful for her.

My little sister and niece came over and they helped make apple butter and and then Anna tweezed my eyebrows while another friend stopped by with her son. Bringing me two lovely yellow roses and she stated they are yellow roses because we are FRIENDS!

I had to take Grace down to The Ex  and as we were preparing to go I was doing a few last minute clean up things in the kitchen while Grace readied to go and I looked at the clock on the stove like I had a thousand times before and saw that it was 5 :24 pm and I instantly thought, "Chase should be home any minute, I wonder what he has planned for us." And then reality caught up with me, threw me to the ground as hard as it could and stomped on me. It took me a moment to catch my breath but the crazy thing is, I did.

So we headed to Fruit Heights to drop Grace off and after that my mom Henry, Si and I ran over to my cousins new-to-them 1940's home in Bountiful, its cute and quirky and I know that his lovely wife (and designer of this blog) will make it into a wonderful and lovely home. They were gracious enough to send us home with a box full of peaches, that I believe are destined to become filling of a belated birthday cake and a peach jalepeno jam.

By 9:30 I realized I hadn't eaten anything the whole day and decided I probably should. We enjoyed dinner at Pei Wei. Had a touching conversation with a cook. His name was Anthony and he was enamored with Silas, he had the look of a man that was fascinated by babies. He admitted that he and his wife were expecting their own on Halloween, and then as he looked at my boys I could see heartache surfacing.  He pointed to a tatoo on his arm, angel wings and a name. He told us of a son that he and his wife had lost at 31 weeks, my heart broke for him and I teared up. I told him that Henry had been born with a birth defect and I could relate to being in awe that any child is ever born healthy. We discussed the loss of his son and the awful process that it was and then my mom looked at me as if asking permission. She told him that I had just lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and just had this baby a month ago.

It never ceases to amaze me that somehow people that are grieving seem to find one another. I have had several experiences as of late of people that seem to be drawn to me and vice versa, and we come to find that we share a common thread, grief although completely different types seems to draw us closer together. Anthony wished me a happy birthday, handed me a gift card for my next visit and we both wished each other well.

 We headed home exhausted from the pursuits of our day.

I had just finished feeding Silas and was getting into bed when my phone rang. Four minutes until midnight.  It was my father calling from work. "I wanted to be the LAST one to wish you a happy birthday," he said and then told me he remembered the day I was born and how excited he was to have a daughter. I could relate to that excitement because my excitement about Silas arriving a month ago is still so fresh. He also told me he loved me and that he was proud of me! Now my dad does use the word proud very often, the whole not being prideful thing (this is said in good humor) but he told me he was impressed with how I have handled all that has come my way not only this last year but throughout my life. He said, "My grandma would say You've got grit!"

*I cried, I cried a lot!*

All in all, it was not the worst birthday I have ever had, that's a whole other story and one I'm not up for reliving at the moment but it probably was the hardest one. But, I survived. Heck, I have even made it through another day of being 29 and the world hasn't ended!

One day, one moment, one instant at a time. Its been almost 6 months that I've made it through. I have found recently that I can do hard things, even when I don't want to. I have 3 wonderful children that are fairing pretty well because I keep going and haven't given up even when I wanted to.

I have yet to have a year of my life I would ever want to repeat but I'm 29 now and since Chase will forever be 29, I'm hoping that 29 is pretty good for me because I'll be repeating it from here on out bring on 29A...29B...29C etc.