Going crazy?

It's been an odd morning. I keep seeing men that look so similar to Chase everywhere I go. My mind has been playing tricks on me. It's Friday, so I though, oh good he will come home early we will have a nice quiet weekend maye we will be welcoming our new little boy. It's been an odd morning. I keep thinking about things that are not even possibilities. I keep thinking he will show up. That I will see him walk in the door, tht he will call. Maybe it's a way of coping with all that's happened this week but maybe I'm finally just loosing it. 

Unbelievable

My in-laws are living through Hell.

Chase's younger brother, Eric passed away July 11, 2013. Four months and one day after his older brother.

Eric was a kind-hearted man and loving father. He loved his children and enjoyed playing with his nieces and nephews. Watching him play basketball with his brothers was always entertaining and he always had something to say about everything.  The first time I met him was at a Superbowl party, he had built a mock up of the Superbowl trophy and brought it with him. It was always exciting to see what he would do next.

We are all devastated by his loss... but his parents... how they are still breathing is beyond me. I really do not think that anyone should ever have to go through this Hell, let alone twice in a lifetime and then twice in four months of each other! My heart breaks for them.

Music

I know that I have done several posts on music but its such an integral part of my life that I can't seem to shy away from it.

Again, I am going to mention Kip Moore's "Hey Pretty Girl" it seems to be heading up the charts and its on the radio so very often. I know it sounds silly but I can't help but think Chase has had something to do with that, a constant reminder of him in these recent months. I know its completely illogical but nothing about what's happened these last few months seems very logical.

It funny how nearly every song I hear brings a memory. Good or bad. Too many songs to count can be linked to my previous life. Even new songs.

I went for almost a month only listening to church music because the memories were just too painful, but not feeling them not connecting to the music in such a personal way was painful too.

Oh to find a happy medium.

Remembering

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.   I am aching for this man.  He loved the fourth.  I have no idea how I'm going to make it through tomorrow without him.

How

Over the last three months I realized that the world does not slow down, time does not stop when you feel like it should. Things continue on, life continues even when you're not sure how its possible.

As summer settles in and stretches its hot lungs I find myself having a hard time believing that this world can continue on its orbit without Chase.  How can things keep moving forward without his smile and laughter.  As the cottonwood falls like snow this June I see him laughing at Grace with cotton in her hair. Or I can see him being pulled behind his dad's boat, beaming at having landed a 360 or just happy about being able to get up on the skyski.

I really don't know how its possible that there will be summers without his laughter without the smell of sun on his skin after a day at the lake.

I did everything I could possibly do for closure. I found him. I told the medical staff to stop. I helped dress him. I said my goodbyes. I buried him. He's not coming home, I KNOW he's not coming home but there is still a huge part of me that expects him to show up.  I come around the corner in the kitchen and I expect to see him on the couch, xbox remote in hand look of intense concentration on his face.

How does life keep going when so much of what my life was is gone?

Mind Games

I went to bed last night hoping and praying that all the signs that had been popping up throughout the day of an impending migraine were wrong. I even took some tyenol prior to heading off to bed in hopes that if there was a headache lurking on the horizion that the medicine would take care of it. No such luck.

Luckily and thankfully my faithful friend Kenna showed up this morning and whisked Henry off with her small clan and told me to get some rest she'll take care of Henry while I sleep.

I can't remember the last time I slept until after three oclock in the afternoon. It had to have been before Chase died.  That was something he was very good at, if I had a migraine the house would become still and quiet and he would magically take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.  As I slept today I was comforted by the thought that maybe that's all this really was, maybe I was just in the midst of one of the worst migraines I had ever had accompanied by the torturous dreams that go hand in hand with them, maybe just maybe ALL of this, the last three months were just part of a bad migraine.

Sadly, when I did finally awake from my migraine induced slumber the photos were on my night stand and my hand was tightly clenching Chase's dog tag.

It was so real for a few moments. This was all just a nightmare for a few precious moments. Instead of a heartbreaking reality.

Shouldn't I Get Some Kind of Chip or Key Chain?

Today marks three months since Chase passed. Although I stopped by the cemetery on Thursday I felt the intense desire to visit today.

Call me sentimental, or a glutton for punishment,  but three months, a quarter of a year, a whole pregnancy trimester, 90 days (give or take) have passed and that seemed significant to me. (I would be getting a chip if I was a recovering Alcoholic or  a key chain if I was a member of NA)

It has changed from the tail end of winter to spring and spring has given way to summer. The whole world has continued moving even when I feel as if mine has stopped.

Its been crazy.  It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time it feels forever ago.  Not a single day goes by that I don't miss him. Not a single day goes by that I don't wish this was all just a bad dream, or that I could go back and fix it.

In other news: Henry is slowly recovering from surgery. We are back home safe and sound and he is on oxygen and a monitor while he sleeps.  He has been super clingy and needy lately which is understandable he did just have three surgeries all at once and I'm sure his throat is killing him,  but I can't help but think part of this has to do with him missing his dad. He has gone through my phone more than once to look at photos of Chase, and even carried around a copy of his funeral program with him today. {There is a photo of him on the cover.}

He and Chase always seemed to be buddies when it came time for surgery. Chase would hold him and just love on him  and they would both seem to calm down nearly instantly. These two boys were best friends and would look out for each other.  I am doing my best to give him what he needs and give him all the loves I can,  I am just afraid that I won't ever measure up to the kind of loves that only Daddy can give.