Tonight I Wanna Cry...

I have now given birth three times and ever since the first time I have dreaded the first week postpardtum, the afterbirth pains, the recovery, milk coming in and most of all the surge of hormones and scary emotional roller coaster that ensues.  I am now four days out and I have been pretty proud of myself and how I have been doing, but today its like it hit me. I have been down and mopey all day. I have done my best to stay out of the funk but today its kind of enveloped me and I couldn't seem to shake it. 

Everytime my mind has drifted to the pain of my loss I have fought back replaced it with a happy thought or memory trying to avoid the hurt but today its been hard, and I couldn't figure it out why I couldn't make it work.  Then tonight it hit me.

Today is August 10th. Its been five months since Chase passed away. Five months. 

Thinking about how Chase won't hold our son. Thinking about how much he's going miss. Thinking about all the photos I won't get to take. All the moments that will be missing something, someone. 

I found a beautiful quote today, "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." ~C. S. Lewis 

A Birth Story- Silas Clark

This is a place holder post. Eventually this will be the story of Silas' birth. Tonight however it is just a placeholder. I am too tired tonight to write about it. My heart is full of many different emotions tonight.

Becoming A Memory

Tonight after the children were in bed and Dr. Who just wasn't cutting it, I popped downstairs for something to occupy my tastebuds. Finding my distraction in the freezer I quietly meandered through my main floor. I paused in front of the curio cabinet transfixed on the face of someone I used to know. Someone that is slowly becoming a memory. This was a daunting realization. Just a memory.

My heart is breaking a little more tonight because I realize that memories fade. I don't want him to fade, I want him here. More than anything. I ache for him but time moves on. The sun rises and sets. The seasons are changing. My life is changing and as much as I wish I could turn back the clock erase all the bad. FIX this horrible change. I can't and every day that passes he slips more into the realm of memory, instead of reality.

Summertime

Well the day that I thought this child would arrive has come and gone, a whole week past what I expected. I guess he is teaching me a lesson in patience and God's time, which really is not a lesson I thought I was in need of, since I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the fact that I am not in control in any way, shape, or form. I do however have a promise from the doctor that this child will arrive by Tuesday, and if not he will induce Tuesday morning and I will have him in my arms by Tuesday night.

Its been a busy summer, Grace has been on several adventures she has taken swimming lessons, attended gymnastics and gotten to spend lots of time playing with cousins and friends.  Henry has had surgery, worked hard at talking and is loving his new mobility. He does NOT enjoy the splash pad or anything to do with water unless its contained in a bathtub.

We attended the Gale Family (Chase's Mom) Reunion last week and the kids enjoyed fishing, eating watermelon and just playing with cousins.

Henry and Grace are pretty good friends and if one does it the other quickly follows suit.

Going crazy?

It's been an odd morning. I keep seeing men that look so similar to Chase everywhere I go. My mind has been playing tricks on me. It's Friday, so I though, oh good he will come home early we will have a nice quiet weekend maye we will be welcoming our new little boy. It's been an odd morning. I keep thinking about things that are not even possibilities. I keep thinking he will show up. That I will see him walk in the door, tht he will call. Maybe it's a way of coping with all that's happened this week but maybe I'm finally just loosing it. 

Unbelievable

My in-laws are living through Hell.

Chase's younger brother, Eric passed away July 11, 2013. Four months and one day after his older brother.

Eric was a kind-hearted man and loving father. He loved his children and enjoyed playing with his nieces and nephews. Watching him play basketball with his brothers was always entertaining and he always had something to say about everything.  The first time I met him was at a Superbowl party, he had built a mock up of the Superbowl trophy and brought it with him. It was always exciting to see what he would do next.

We are all devastated by his loss... but his parents... how they are still breathing is beyond me. I really do not think that anyone should ever have to go through this Hell, let alone twice in a lifetime and then twice in four months of each other! My heart breaks for them.

Music

I know that I have done several posts on music but its such an integral part of my life that I can't seem to shy away from it.

Again, I am going to mention Kip Moore's "Hey Pretty Girl" it seems to be heading up the charts and its on the radio so very often. I know it sounds silly but I can't help but think Chase has had something to do with that, a constant reminder of him in these recent months. I know its completely illogical but nothing about what's happened these last few months seems very logical.

It funny how nearly every song I hear brings a memory. Good or bad. Too many songs to count can be linked to my previous life. Even new songs.

I went for almost a month only listening to church music because the memories were just too painful, but not feeling them not connecting to the music in such a personal way was painful too.

Oh to find a happy medium.