To Grace on Her 6th Birthday (Okay so I'm a couple of weeks past due)

To My Dearest Grace-

You never cease to astound me. 

You have had an incredible year! You got to meet all of your favorite Disney Princesses just after you turned five.

You conquered an ocean and you have learned how to swim!  

You completed preschool and even started kindergarten. 

You have shown me how very strong you are and how resilent you are. You lost your best friend and the man you loved and knew as Daddy in March and you tell me nearly every day how much you miss him. You give me hope because you seem to know that this separation is only temporary and we will get to all be together again one day. 

You got a new baby brother this year and you adore him! You are such a good big sister. Henry is your best friend and you two play so well together when you want to, other times you are not so thrilled about playing with a BOY, but you generally can be found playing hide and seek or curled up next to Henry playing on the iPad or watching a movie together. Sometimes you even read to him, I love it when you do that! 

You love to go to Church and sing primary songs. You want to learn all the songs for the primary program and you even memorized your part. "My life is a gift, my life has a plan!" You were so brave to get up in front of everyone and tell the whole ward your line.

You keep me on my toes and you are very opinionated. You know how you want things and if they are not just so you tend to have something to say about it. 

You give me the best hugs and seem to know when I need them. You are such a blessing to me and you remind me how great it is to be your mom, every single day! 

I love you Grace Daisy!

Mom

To Henry on his 3rd Birthday

Henry-

First off I want to tell you how proud I am of all you have accomplished this year. I can't believe that YOU my little boy have grown so much.  You have been through so many hard things in your short life, and you always have a brilliant smile on your face. Except when making your angry face, I LOVE your angry face but even when you do that it warps into a smile in moments.

You started off your second year by learning to walk. Your first sure footed steps were to Mickey Mouse at Disneyland! I cried and your dad was so very proud of you.  The doctors had told us that you may not ever be strong enough to walk without braces and a walker but you showed them.  In addition to beginning to walk at two, you also really started to pick up sign language. You love to show off and are great at getting your point across. You are amazing!

Then you lost your best friend, he was mine too. I know you miss him, I do too but I know that he lives in you. You have his eyes, his smile, his sharp mind, his mischevious nature, his ability to make anyone fall in love with you, and his good heart. Today while you were walking to the bus I couldn't help but think of how proud your daddy would have been of you.

You had three surgeries in June (you had your tonsils and adnoids out, and something called a supraglotoplasty) and I was afraid I was going to loose you, and came pretty close to in fact. You had a rough go but once you healed you began to soar!   You started to make sounds I had never heard come out of your mouth before and you tried to talk! You are slowly finding your voice and I am so excited to see how much more you will talk this coming year!

You became a big brother in August and although you weren't so sure about Silas in the beginning you are now very protective of him. Whenever we get out of the car you very quickly remind me to get "EYE" (Si).  You love your brother and are very good to help me with anything I need for him.

You got to begin preschool at the University in October and you loved it.  Lil' Aggies has been great for you. You also got your iPad and although you can do pretty much anything you want with it we are both learning how to use your "speak for yourself" app.

You have had pneumonia twice already since November and have been feeling a little off, but you're improving and starting to finally feel better.

Now here we are to your birthday. You went to your first day of school at Canyon Elementary in their special needs preschool. THEY  LOVED YOU!  Your teacher Miss Jamie told me how adorable you looked and how friendly you were with everyone. You were such a big boy to ride the bus to school and you were so very proud of yourself carting your backpack behind you, its nearly as big as you are but you love it.

Your laughter and smile fill my heart with joy. I can't help but give in when you sign please and ask to watch your favorite movies, Mary Poppins has been in near constant rotation along with Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. You love music and will dance in your carseat when Luke Bryan comes on. You are so independent and smart. You have been eating oranges like there is no tomorrow lately and Mimi has had them in a basket on the counter, you went into the pantry and pulled out the step stool so you could get to them. You adore Papa and he is the first person you ask for when you wake up, after you have checked on Si of course. You love to tease Grace and when she is gone you miss her desperately.

Three is going to be a big year for you! I  can hardly wait to see you being potty trained (very soon I hope) and I am so looking forward to hearing you talk more!

I love you my dear, sweet, boy from that brief moment I got to hold you before they whisked you away I knew I would never be the same again. You have changed my life, my world and you have brought joy to so many. I love you so very much and your father loves you too, I know he wishes he was still here with you, you were the light of his life!

Love.

Mom

My Hands Are Full but So Is My Heart

If Tomorrow Never Comes

So this evening I have been indulging in my favorite thing. Garth Brooks. The new box set available at Walmart, has got to be the best therapy I have had in a long time. I have sat here with a dumb look on my face for the last hour or so, and then he got to his music. His first number one.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, now this is a song that I have always loved but tonight it struck a chord tonight.

I have a treasured memory. It was of a fight Chase and I had one night. A treasured memory of a fight, sounds crazy right? Oh and it was a doozy. We went to bed not talking and I think he even left for work without me kissing him goodbye, something that only happened a handful of times, but that fight led to one of my most treasured items from him. An email. That's right. An email. Now the background information you need, is our fight was simple. I asked one question, it had been a quiet evening at home we had watched tv together and something on tv sparked a conversation that led to the fateful question which was the long and the short of it, the whole fight. I asked. "What do you love about me?" and rather than telling me something specific, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Everything." That was his whole answer. I prodded for more information but all he would give me was, "Everything."

Emily, I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m really sorry for last night.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get the dishes done.  I will if you let me.  But, I wanted to take a moment and tell you some reasons that I love you. I love:·         That you haven’t given up on me.·         That I will never give up on you.·         Your beauty, inside and out.·         That you are answer to my prayers.·         That we have 2 beautiful, wonderful children, and another on the way.·         That you make me want to be a better person, and remind me when I am falling short.·         To make you laugh.·         When you make me laugh.·         Your thoughtfulness.·         Our life together.·         That you look beautiful when you sleep and don’t snore.·         The way you take care of all of us.·         Your cooking. Mmmmmm good.·         The way we make up after a fight.·         How great of a MOM you are.·         That you love my parents, I didn’t say like.·         That you are not afraid to show affection.·         That you want to be with me and only me.·         Your old soul.·         That you will watch sports and sometimes Teen Mom, even though, I know you don’t care for either.·         That you have a testimony and use it. This is not everything, but I know that saying I love everything about you is not as meaningful as I hope this is. Most of all, I truly love how I love you.  I wouldn’t have it any other way. Love,Chase 

This email, showed me just how much my husband loved me. He took time out of his busy day at work to make sure that I knew some of the reasons why he loved me.

While listening to If Tomorrow Never Comes tonight, I was grateful that Chase took the time to show me how much he loved me.

 

To My Husband on His 30th Birthday

To My Husband On His Birthday-

Chase-

Thirty years ago today, you were born bringing love and joy with you when you came.  I have spent much of today thinking of you and all that you have taught me throughout our relationship. I thought I would jot these thoughts down to share them.

You have taught me the true meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. (NIV)

In being your wife, I have learned patience and how to reign in my temper, I am not perfect and am still learning, but I have come a long way.  You have taught me the importance of forgiveness and how vital it is to a relationship and not just needing to forgive each other but that it is also very important it is to forgive ourselves.  You have taught me to be fiercely loyal to my spouse. I have stood by you when I haven't wanted anything to do with you and we have come through those things stronger and more in love than before. And, finally you have taught me that you have to have hope when loving, hope that love will persevere. 

In addition to love you have taught me to be true to myself. You have encouraged me to really find my faith and even though I have had my ups and downs, you have always reminded me that I know what is right. 

You are my best friend and sweetheart. I love you with every fiber of my being and I miss you every moment of every day. 

Emily

Today was a hard day. A triple whammy, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Chase's Birthday. I started off my day with all of my children somehow managing to end up curled up in my bed. They all wanted to be close. Henry asked for Chase all morning, something he has been doing a lot of lately it breaks my heart that I can't give him what he wants. We went down to my in-laws house for breakfast, to visit, and go to the cemetery. The children decorated little ornaments to put on a little tree that we placed graveside.

They sang Happy Birthday and my heart broke a little more. After the visit to the cemetery we visited a bit more then I headed back home to grab the pies, sweet potatoes and rolls that were my contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner and headed off to my little brothers house. Dinner was wonderful, they had a great moist bird and dinner was beautiful. In keeping with tradition we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I choked up, but was able to manage to get out that this year, I was thankful for my children's health and for Chase. He gave me two wonderful boys and the lessons I have learned from loving him are incalculable. 

Now I am home, the children are all safely tucked into their beds and I sit here fulfilling my need to express my sorrow, heartache, and appreciation for the time I had with my husband. He was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was exactly what I needed in my life, and I have learned so much from him in the all too short time we were together. Our 3 wedding anniversary would have been next month. It was four years ago this week that He and I met and my life has never been the same. 

Come Wake Me Up

I used to take pictures of Chase asleep all the time. I loved to capture him vulnerable and at peace. There was a peace and sometimes relief that washed over me when he would fall asleep. Listening to him recount his dreams, the ones he remember was always fascinating. 

My dreams lately have been of the not so friendly variety. 

They tend to involve traumatic events, a sense of abandonment and lots of heartache. 

I used to love to dream now I fear it. There is such a sense of loss, and the dreams are so real I am unsure of what is reality and what is the nightmare. So many other things seem more plausible than Chase really being gone. 

I still can't imagine life without him he's still a part of me. I wonder, after a sudden and let's face it devastating loss when does one really find their new normal?

Service

Service is something that I have grown up practicing, or at least trying to it had been ingrained deep within my mind when I was young. My mother would play Brite Music to my siblings and I on LONG car trips, our favorite was always the tape on Service. I was taught by example, my mother would (and still does) take food to those in need, my father would help in any way that was needed he pushes snow in the winter and is always willing to lend a helping hand. 

I always feel so much better when I complete my visiting teaching, take dinner to a family in need, or do something for someone that just needs a little extra lift. However, I have never been entirely comfortable being on the receiving end of service.  I have generally felt like there were so many other people that could use the help more than I could. 

Since becoming a widow and single mom of three I have had to bite the bullet, swallow my pride and be willing to allow others to serve me.  I have a friend that is constantly reminding me that I need to allow others to serve me, that's part of service! 

I have been incredibly blessed in so many different ways, by so many different people and I want to point out that sometimes we all need to allow others to serve us!

“God does notice us, and He watches over us.

 But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.”

– Spencer W. Kimball

Tonight, my ward's young men and young women showed up at my house on a service scavenger hunt and marked everything (except raking leaves) off their list in one fell swoop. 

The list included:

• changing a diaper
• clean a toilet (both of my toilets are sparkling!)
• put away dishes
• do dishes
• clean off a kitchen table
• sweep the kitchen
• vacuum a room
• scrub a bathtub
• wash windows
• wash a door
• fold laundry
• read a story to a child

Not only did they do all these things but part of the way they had to get the chores marked off was it had to be done to the person being served satisfaction! Now if you take all of those things and add them together, what the youth in my ward accomplished in 40 minutes would have honestly taken me two very full days to accomplish! 

There is a woman in my ward that has come to my home on countless occasions to clean. She called up my mother and offered her service a week or two after Chase passed. I was NOT interested in letting a woman I had only met in passing at church come over and clean my house but my mother made arrangements and I am eternally grateful for both of them seeing that I needed the help. This woman has 4 of her own children and yet she has found the time to help me with mine. She has become a close friend and confidant. While I was pregnant with Silas, she was the only reason my laundry was done. She knows where everything in my house belongs and she has come over even when I'm not home to clean. If I can't find something in my home, I call her and 90% of the time she can tell me where to look for it.  There is now a second woman from my ward that has joined in and has come over for a couple of hours the past few weeks to help me get caught up on cleaning.

Then there are the girls that come to babysit so I can attend the temple or just get out of the house and have some "me" time. They really don't understand how much I appreciate the quiet moments they allow me. I LOVE being a mom but sometimes its nice to just be Emily for a couple of hours. 

I am grateful for my opportunities to serve AND be served. I encourage you to serve but also to allow others to serve you as well!