If Tomorrow Never Comes

So this evening I have been indulging in my favorite thing. Garth Brooks. The new box set available at Walmart, has got to be the best therapy I have had in a long time. I have sat here with a dumb look on my face for the last hour or so, and then he got to his music. His first number one.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, now this is a song that I have always loved but tonight it struck a chord tonight.

I have a treasured memory. It was of a fight Chase and I had one night. A treasured memory of a fight, sounds crazy right? Oh and it was a doozy. We went to bed not talking and I think he even left for work without me kissing him goodbye, something that only happened a handful of times, but that fight led to one of my most treasured items from him. An email. That's right. An email. Now the background information you need, is our fight was simple. I asked one question, it had been a quiet evening at home we had watched tv together and something on tv sparked a conversation that led to the fateful question which was the long and the short of it, the whole fight. I asked. "What do you love about me?" and rather than telling me something specific, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Everything." That was his whole answer. I prodded for more information but all he would give me was, "Everything."

Emily, I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m really sorry for last night.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get the dishes done.  I will if you let me.  But, I wanted to take a moment and tell you some reasons that I love you. I love:·         That you haven’t given up on me.·         That I will never give up on you.·         Your beauty, inside and out.·         That you are answer to my prayers.·         That we have 2 beautiful, wonderful children, and another on the way.·         That you make me want to be a better person, and remind me when I am falling short.·         To make you laugh.·         When you make me laugh.·         Your thoughtfulness.·         Our life together.·         That you look beautiful when you sleep and don’t snore.·         The way you take care of all of us.·         Your cooking. Mmmmmm good.·         The way we make up after a fight.·         How great of a MOM you are.·         That you love my parents, I didn’t say like.·         That you are not afraid to show affection.·         That you want to be with me and only me.·         Your old soul.·         That you will watch sports and sometimes Teen Mom, even though, I know you don’t care for either.·         That you have a testimony and use it. This is not everything, but I know that saying I love everything about you is not as meaningful as I hope this is. Most of all, I truly love how I love you.  I wouldn’t have it any other way. Love,Chase 

This email, showed me just how much my husband loved me. He took time out of his busy day at work to make sure that I knew some of the reasons why he loved me.

While listening to If Tomorrow Never Comes tonight, I was grateful that Chase took the time to show me how much he loved me.

 

To My Husband on His 30th Birthday

To My Husband On His Birthday-

Chase-

Thirty years ago today, you were born bringing love and joy with you when you came.  I have spent much of today thinking of you and all that you have taught me throughout our relationship. I thought I would jot these thoughts down to share them.

You have taught me the true meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. (NIV)

In being your wife, I have learned patience and how to reign in my temper, I am not perfect and am still learning, but I have come a long way.  You have taught me the importance of forgiveness and how vital it is to a relationship and not just needing to forgive each other but that it is also very important it is to forgive ourselves.  You have taught me to be fiercely loyal to my spouse. I have stood by you when I haven't wanted anything to do with you and we have come through those things stronger and more in love than before. And, finally you have taught me that you have to have hope when loving, hope that love will persevere. 

In addition to love you have taught me to be true to myself. You have encouraged me to really find my faith and even though I have had my ups and downs, you have always reminded me that I know what is right. 

You are my best friend and sweetheart. I love you with every fiber of my being and I miss you every moment of every day. 

Emily

Today was a hard day. A triple whammy, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Chase's Birthday. I started off my day with all of my children somehow managing to end up curled up in my bed. They all wanted to be close. Henry asked for Chase all morning, something he has been doing a lot of lately it breaks my heart that I can't give him what he wants. We went down to my in-laws house for breakfast, to visit, and go to the cemetery. The children decorated little ornaments to put on a little tree that we placed graveside.

They sang Happy Birthday and my heart broke a little more. After the visit to the cemetery we visited a bit more then I headed back home to grab the pies, sweet potatoes and rolls that were my contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner and headed off to my little brothers house. Dinner was wonderful, they had a great moist bird and dinner was beautiful. In keeping with tradition we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I choked up, but was able to manage to get out that this year, I was thankful for my children's health and for Chase. He gave me two wonderful boys and the lessons I have learned from loving him are incalculable. 

Now I am home, the children are all safely tucked into their beds and I sit here fulfilling my need to express my sorrow, heartache, and appreciation for the time I had with my husband. He was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was exactly what I needed in my life, and I have learned so much from him in the all too short time we were together. Our 3 wedding anniversary would have been next month. It was four years ago this week that He and I met and my life has never been the same. 

Come Wake Me Up

I used to take pictures of Chase asleep all the time. I loved to capture him vulnerable and at peace. There was a peace and sometimes relief that washed over me when he would fall asleep. Listening to him recount his dreams, the ones he remember was always fascinating. 

My dreams lately have been of the not so friendly variety. 

They tend to involve traumatic events, a sense of abandonment and lots of heartache. 

I used to love to dream now I fear it. There is such a sense of loss, and the dreams are so real I am unsure of what is reality and what is the nightmare. So many other things seem more plausible than Chase really being gone. 

I still can't imagine life without him he's still a part of me. I wonder, after a sudden and let's face it devastating loss when does one really find their new normal?

Service

Service is something that I have grown up practicing, or at least trying to it had been ingrained deep within my mind when I was young. My mother would play Brite Music to my siblings and I on LONG car trips, our favorite was always the tape on Service. I was taught by example, my mother would (and still does) take food to those in need, my father would help in any way that was needed he pushes snow in the winter and is always willing to lend a helping hand. 

I always feel so much better when I complete my visiting teaching, take dinner to a family in need, or do something for someone that just needs a little extra lift. However, I have never been entirely comfortable being on the receiving end of service.  I have generally felt like there were so many other people that could use the help more than I could. 

Since becoming a widow and single mom of three I have had to bite the bullet, swallow my pride and be willing to allow others to serve me.  I have a friend that is constantly reminding me that I need to allow others to serve me, that's part of service! 

I have been incredibly blessed in so many different ways, by so many different people and I want to point out that sometimes we all need to allow others to serve us!

“God does notice us, and He watches over us.

 But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.”

– Spencer W. Kimball

Tonight, my ward's young men and young women showed up at my house on a service scavenger hunt and marked everything (except raking leaves) off their list in one fell swoop. 

The list included:

• changing a diaper
• clean a toilet (both of my toilets are sparkling!)
• put away dishes
• do dishes
• clean off a kitchen table
• sweep the kitchen
• vacuum a room
• scrub a bathtub
• wash windows
• wash a door
• fold laundry
• read a story to a child

Not only did they do all these things but part of the way they had to get the chores marked off was it had to be done to the person being served satisfaction! Now if you take all of those things and add them together, what the youth in my ward accomplished in 40 minutes would have honestly taken me two very full days to accomplish! 

There is a woman in my ward that has come to my home on countless occasions to clean. She called up my mother and offered her service a week or two after Chase passed. I was NOT interested in letting a woman I had only met in passing at church come over and clean my house but my mother made arrangements and I am eternally grateful for both of them seeing that I needed the help. This woman has 4 of her own children and yet she has found the time to help me with mine. She has become a close friend and confidant. While I was pregnant with Silas, she was the only reason my laundry was done. She knows where everything in my house belongs and she has come over even when I'm not home to clean. If I can't find something in my home, I call her and 90% of the time she can tell me where to look for it.  There is now a second woman from my ward that has joined in and has come over for a couple of hours the past few weeks to help me get caught up on cleaning.

Then there are the girls that come to babysit so I can attend the temple or just get out of the house and have some "me" time. They really don't understand how much I appreciate the quiet moments they allow me. I LOVE being a mom but sometimes its nice to just be Emily for a couple of hours. 

I am grateful for my opportunities to serve AND be served. I encourage you to serve but also to allow others to serve you as well! 

To Infinity and Beyond

I am currently surrounded by women who are expecting or hoping to be expecting their second child. A reoccurring topic of conversation lately has been, their many various fears about expanding their families the biggest always seems to be that they will not be able to love the next child as much as they love their current one.

I am so grateful that this was never a worry for me. I am not bragging, I have just been blessed to have had very wise women before me explain to me that when it comes to love the heart can always stand to hold MORE.

Love is not a finite thing, it is in fact infinite. 

Its like pie. You don't keep it all to yourself. You share it. And love is like a magic pie that never runs out. There is always more to have, to share, to enjoy!

Timeless

Looking through some photos over the last few nights I realized that there are a few photos of Chase in which he had reached "Timeless" status.

I have often thought of people hitting a point in their lives where they were "Timeless" that age at which they will stop aging in your mind and they will always look that way to you.

I think my mother is approaching that point, when I think of her, even in memories she looks the way she does now. Timeless.

{Granted, this photo was from a few summers ago but I saw it the other night and LOVED it}

I once tried to describe a character in one of the stories I was working on as "Timeless" I don't know If I have reached that stage yet or not, but I am afraid that the wrinkles that I have come by lately are going to make me look OLD not "Timeless".

It's Going to Get Darker Before It Gets Lighter

My father picked me up from the airport this week, we stopped for a quick bite to eat and were off on our way again. My father works nights and had been up running errands and helping take care of my kids while I was gone. By the time we were heading home he was spent. I offered to drive and he politely refused as we continued on our way I could see him struggling.  He took a deep breath and admitted that he was tired and a moment later started to pull over. He said something that struck me. "Admitting it made it worst!"

That got me to thinking. 

I have been having a really difficult time with my grief lately but I don't want to admit it because if I do, it makes it worse! 

So I am not going to admit that I am completely overwhelmed being a single mother of three. I will not admit that my heart feels like it is breaking more each day. I will not admit that I feel like I'm dying inside without Chase. I will not admit that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of negative emotions and I feel like they are going to swallow me up.

Because, if I admit to it, it will make it worse.

On the Topic of Sleep

I have been thinking about sleep a lot lately, it is something our bodies NEED to function and going without creates all sorts of havoc in our lives. I write this as I am fighting with Henry. Trying to convince him that sleeping in HIS bed is much preferred to mine. He has recently learned how to climb out of his crib, and being almost three it was to be expected, however it means he does NOT want to sleep in his bed and he very much so prefers to sleep in mine.

Now, if I was a tender hearted woman I wouldn't mind him sleeping next me but I have NEVER claimed to be such. I LIKE, neigh I LOVE my sleep and treasure what little amounts of it I get, and sleeping next to Henry is like sleeping next to the railroad tracks. Freight train running through constantly!

This new development of Henry refusing to sleep in his own bed comes just as Grace is beginning to actually sleep in hers! I have spent the last several months dreading bedtime because it was not only a battle but an all out war, EVERY NIGHT! Grace would be up 8-12 times from the time I would put her to bed at 7:30, the household bedtime, until 11:30 p.m. -12:00 a.m.  I tried running her ragged with physically taxing activities, hours at the playground, playing with cousins, countless baths, threats, bribery, anything I could possibly think of, she refused to go to bed until she physically couldn't stay awake anymore and many nights even after she had fallen asleep she would end up waking up and joining me in my bed. Until one day while at the dollar store I came across the greatest thing EVER!!!

Dr. Fresh Naturals- Melatonin Strips 

{I have not been paid to endorse this product.

if someone would like to pay me,

 please feel free to send me money!}

These miracle strips have brought peace, love and harmony back to my home. Well, in Grace's sleeping pattern anyway. I give her one, or even half of one and she is ready and WILLING to go to bed within 20 minutes. That's right folks 20 minutes!  I asked my family prac, what he thought and he said that melatonin was safe and if it worked GREAT!  Now with the ink still drying on the war-ending treaty with Grace, Henry has began one of his own. Its as though he sensed my bed was "empty" and decided to remedy that situation the best he could. I am not a fan. Yes, I enjoy cuddling with my boy but when it comes time to sleep I prefer to do it without anyone touching me and in relative quiet. After many tears and prayers on both of our parts tonight I am happy to report that Henry is currently asleep in his bed! I am hoping and praying he remains there. 

I am fairly certain as soon as Henry gets back on the right track, Silas will step up and hit a growth spurt and want to nurse constantly and take that "empty" spot in my bed.

Between the three children I have its a miracle I ever come across any amount of sleep, yet when I do finally get some sleeps I am plagued by restless sleep accompanied with the more often that I would like to admit to awful nightmare.  I used to love sleep but now to be completely honest, I am almost afraid of it. The nightmares happen more often than not and they often wake me between 3:30-4:00 a.m. and then it takes hours to fall back to sleep and when I finally do, its just as my children are waking up, be it to eat, or for the day.  I long for the day that sleeping with again be a pleasure, will that ever happen again?

Its quarter to nine, Silas will be waking up to eat fairly soon and I will hopefully get some rest after that.