If Tomorrow Never Comes

So this evening I have been indulging in my favorite thing. Garth Brooks. The new box set available at Walmart, has got to be the best therapy I have had in a long time. I have sat here with a dumb look on my face for the last hour or so, and then he got to his music. His first number one.

If Tomorrow Never Comes, now this is a song that I have always loved but tonight it struck a chord tonight.

I have a treasured memory. It was of a fight Chase and I had one night. A treasured memory of a fight, sounds crazy right? Oh and it was a doozy. We went to bed not talking and I think he even left for work without me kissing him goodbye, something that only happened a handful of times, but that fight led to one of my most treasured items from him. An email. That's right. An email. Now the background information you need, is our fight was simple. I asked one question, it had been a quiet evening at home we had watched tv together and something on tv sparked a conversation that led to the fateful question which was the long and the short of it, the whole fight. I asked. "What do you love about me?" and rather than telling me something specific, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Everything." That was his whole answer. I prodded for more information but all he would give me was, "Everything."

Emily, I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m really sorry for last night.  I’m sorry that I didn’t get the dishes done.  I will if you let me.  But, I wanted to take a moment and tell you some reasons that I love you. I love:·         That you haven’t given up on me.·         That I will never give up on you.·         Your beauty, inside and out.·         That you are answer to my prayers.·         That we have 2 beautiful, wonderful children, and another on the way.·         That you make me want to be a better person, and remind me when I am falling short.·         To make you laugh.·         When you make me laugh.·         Your thoughtfulness.·         Our life together.·         That you look beautiful when you sleep and don’t snore.·         The way you take care of all of us.·         Your cooking. Mmmmmm good.·         The way we make up after a fight.·         How great of a MOM you are.·         That you love my parents, I didn’t say like.·         That you are not afraid to show affection.·         That you want to be with me and only me.·         Your old soul.·         That you will watch sports and sometimes Teen Mom, even though, I know you don’t care for either.·         That you have a testimony and use it. This is not everything, but I know that saying I love everything about you is not as meaningful as I hope this is. Most of all, I truly love how I love you.  I wouldn’t have it any other way. Love,Chase 

This email, showed me just how much my husband loved me. He took time out of his busy day at work to make sure that I knew some of the reasons why he loved me.

While listening to If Tomorrow Never Comes tonight, I was grateful that Chase took the time to show me how much he loved me.

 

To My Husband on His 30th Birthday

To My Husband On His Birthday-

Chase-

Thirty years ago today, you were born bringing love and joy with you when you came.  I have spent much of today thinking of you and all that you have taught me throughout our relationship. I thought I would jot these thoughts down to share them.

You have taught me the true meaning of 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. (NIV)

In being your wife, I have learned patience and how to reign in my temper, I am not perfect and am still learning, but I have come a long way.  You have taught me the importance of forgiveness and how vital it is to a relationship and not just needing to forgive each other but that it is also very important it is to forgive ourselves.  You have taught me to be fiercely loyal to my spouse. I have stood by you when I haven't wanted anything to do with you and we have come through those things stronger and more in love than before. And, finally you have taught me that you have to have hope when loving, hope that love will persevere. 

In addition to love you have taught me to be true to myself. You have encouraged me to really find my faith and even though I have had my ups and downs, you have always reminded me that I know what is right. 

You are my best friend and sweetheart. I love you with every fiber of my being and I miss you every moment of every day. 

Emily

Today was a hard day. A triple whammy, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving and Chase's Birthday. I started off my day with all of my children somehow managing to end up curled up in my bed. They all wanted to be close. Henry asked for Chase all morning, something he has been doing a lot of lately it breaks my heart that I can't give him what he wants. We went down to my in-laws house for breakfast, to visit, and go to the cemetery. The children decorated little ornaments to put on a little tree that we placed graveside.

They sang Happy Birthday and my heart broke a little more. After the visit to the cemetery we visited a bit more then I headed back home to grab the pies, sweet potatoes and rolls that were my contribution to Thanksgiving Dinner and headed off to my little brothers house. Dinner was wonderful, they had a great moist bird and dinner was beautiful. In keeping with tradition we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. I choked up, but was able to manage to get out that this year, I was thankful for my children's health and for Chase. He gave me two wonderful boys and the lessons I have learned from loving him are incalculable. 

Now I am home, the children are all safely tucked into their beds and I sit here fulfilling my need to express my sorrow, heartache, and appreciation for the time I had with my husband. He was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. He was exactly what I needed in my life, and I have learned so much from him in the all too short time we were together. Our 3 wedding anniversary would have been next month. It was four years ago this week that He and I met and my life has never been the same. 

Come Wake Me Up

I used to take pictures of Chase asleep all the time. I loved to capture him vulnerable and at peace. There was a peace and sometimes relief that washed over me when he would fall asleep. Listening to him recount his dreams, the ones he remember was always fascinating. 

My dreams lately have been of the not so friendly variety. 

They tend to involve traumatic events, a sense of abandonment and lots of heartache. 

I used to love to dream now I fear it. There is such a sense of loss, and the dreams are so real I am unsure of what is reality and what is the nightmare. So many other things seem more plausible than Chase really being gone. 

I still can't imagine life without him he's still a part of me. I wonder, after a sudden and let's face it devastating loss when does one really find their new normal?

Service

Service is something that I have grown up practicing, or at least trying to it had been ingrained deep within my mind when I was young. My mother would play Brite Music to my siblings and I on LONG car trips, our favorite was always the tape on Service. I was taught by example, my mother would (and still does) take food to those in need, my father would help in any way that was needed he pushes snow in the winter and is always willing to lend a helping hand. 

I always feel so much better when I complete my visiting teaching, take dinner to a family in need, or do something for someone that just needs a little extra lift. However, I have never been entirely comfortable being on the receiving end of service.  I have generally felt like there were so many other people that could use the help more than I could. 

Since becoming a widow and single mom of three I have had to bite the bullet, swallow my pride and be willing to allow others to serve me.  I have a friend that is constantly reminding me that I need to allow others to serve me, that's part of service! 

I have been incredibly blessed in so many different ways, by so many different people and I want to point out that sometimes we all need to allow others to serve us!

“God does notice us, and He watches over us.

 But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.”

– Spencer W. Kimball

Tonight, my ward's young men and young women showed up at my house on a service scavenger hunt and marked everything (except raking leaves) off their list in one fell swoop. 

The list included:

• changing a diaper
• clean a toilet (both of my toilets are sparkling!)
• put away dishes
• do dishes
• clean off a kitchen table
• sweep the kitchen
• vacuum a room
• scrub a bathtub
• wash windows
• wash a door
• fold laundry
• read a story to a child

Not only did they do all these things but part of the way they had to get the chores marked off was it had to be done to the person being served satisfaction! Now if you take all of those things and add them together, what the youth in my ward accomplished in 40 minutes would have honestly taken me two very full days to accomplish! 

There is a woman in my ward that has come to my home on countless occasions to clean. She called up my mother and offered her service a week or two after Chase passed. I was NOT interested in letting a woman I had only met in passing at church come over and clean my house but my mother made arrangements and I am eternally grateful for both of them seeing that I needed the help. This woman has 4 of her own children and yet she has found the time to help me with mine. She has become a close friend and confidant. While I was pregnant with Silas, she was the only reason my laundry was done. She knows where everything in my house belongs and she has come over even when I'm not home to clean. If I can't find something in my home, I call her and 90% of the time she can tell me where to look for it.  There is now a second woman from my ward that has joined in and has come over for a couple of hours the past few weeks to help me get caught up on cleaning.

Then there are the girls that come to babysit so I can attend the temple or just get out of the house and have some "me" time. They really don't understand how much I appreciate the quiet moments they allow me. I LOVE being a mom but sometimes its nice to just be Emily for a couple of hours. 

I am grateful for my opportunities to serve AND be served. I encourage you to serve but also to allow others to serve you as well! 

To Infinity and Beyond

I am currently surrounded by women who are expecting or hoping to be expecting their second child. A reoccurring topic of conversation lately has been, their many various fears about expanding their families the biggest always seems to be that they will not be able to love the next child as much as they love their current one.

I am so grateful that this was never a worry for me. I am not bragging, I have just been blessed to have had very wise women before me explain to me that when it comes to love the heart can always stand to hold MORE.

Love is not a finite thing, it is in fact infinite. 

Its like pie. You don't keep it all to yourself. You share it. And love is like a magic pie that never runs out. There is always more to have, to share, to enjoy!

Timeless

Looking through some photos over the last few nights I realized that there are a few photos of Chase in which he had reached "Timeless" status.

I have often thought of people hitting a point in their lives where they were "Timeless" that age at which they will stop aging in your mind and they will always look that way to you.

I think my mother is approaching that point, when I think of her, even in memories she looks the way she does now. Timeless.

{Granted, this photo was from a few summers ago but I saw it the other night and LOVED it}

I once tried to describe a character in one of the stories I was working on as "Timeless" I don't know If I have reached that stage yet or not, but I am afraid that the wrinkles that I have come by lately are going to make me look OLD not "Timeless".

It's Going to Get Darker Before It Gets Lighter

My father picked me up from the airport this week, we stopped for a quick bite to eat and were off on our way again. My father works nights and had been up running errands and helping take care of my kids while I was gone. By the time we were heading home he was spent. I offered to drive and he politely refused as we continued on our way I could see him struggling.  He took a deep breath and admitted that he was tired and a moment later started to pull over. He said something that struck me. "Admitting it made it worst!"

That got me to thinking. 

I have been having a really difficult time with my grief lately but I don't want to admit it because if I do, it makes it worse! 

So I am not going to admit that I am completely overwhelmed being a single mother of three. I will not admit that my heart feels like it is breaking more each day. I will not admit that I feel like I'm dying inside without Chase. I will not admit that I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of negative emotions and I feel like they are going to swallow me up.

Because, if I admit to it, it will make it worse.

On the Topic of Sleep

I have been thinking about sleep a lot lately, it is something our bodies NEED to function and going without creates all sorts of havoc in our lives. I write this as I am fighting with Henry. Trying to convince him that sleeping in HIS bed is much preferred to mine. He has recently learned how to climb out of his crib, and being almost three it was to be expected, however it means he does NOT want to sleep in his bed and he very much so prefers to sleep in mine.

Now, if I was a tender hearted woman I wouldn't mind him sleeping next me but I have NEVER claimed to be such. I LIKE, neigh I LOVE my sleep and treasure what little amounts of it I get, and sleeping next to Henry is like sleeping next to the railroad tracks. Freight train running through constantly!

This new development of Henry refusing to sleep in his own bed comes just as Grace is beginning to actually sleep in hers! I have spent the last several months dreading bedtime because it was not only a battle but an all out war, EVERY NIGHT! Grace would be up 8-12 times from the time I would put her to bed at 7:30, the household bedtime, until 11:30 p.m. -12:00 a.m.  I tried running her ragged with physically taxing activities, hours at the playground, playing with cousins, countless baths, threats, bribery, anything I could possibly think of, she refused to go to bed until she physically couldn't stay awake anymore and many nights even after she had fallen asleep she would end up waking up and joining me in my bed. Until one day while at the dollar store I came across the greatest thing EVER!!!

Dr. Fresh Naturals- Melatonin Strips 

{I have not been paid to endorse this product.

if someone would like to pay me,

 please feel free to send me money!}

These miracle strips have brought peace, love and harmony back to my home. Well, in Grace's sleeping pattern anyway. I give her one, or even half of one and she is ready and WILLING to go to bed within 20 minutes. That's right folks 20 minutes!  I asked my family prac, what he thought and he said that melatonin was safe and if it worked GREAT!  Now with the ink still drying on the war-ending treaty with Grace, Henry has began one of his own. Its as though he sensed my bed was "empty" and decided to remedy that situation the best he could. I am not a fan. Yes, I enjoy cuddling with my boy but when it comes time to sleep I prefer to do it without anyone touching me and in relative quiet. After many tears and prayers on both of our parts tonight I am happy to report that Henry is currently asleep in his bed! I am hoping and praying he remains there. 

I am fairly certain as soon as Henry gets back on the right track, Silas will step up and hit a growth spurt and want to nurse constantly and take that "empty" spot in my bed.

Between the three children I have its a miracle I ever come across any amount of sleep, yet when I do finally get some sleeps I am plagued by restless sleep accompanied with the more often that I would like to admit to awful nightmare.  I used to love sleep but now to be completely honest, I am almost afraid of it. The nightmares happen more often than not and they often wake me between 3:30-4:00 a.m. and then it takes hours to fall back to sleep and when I finally do, its just as my children are waking up, be it to eat, or for the day.  I long for the day that sleeping with again be a pleasure, will that ever happen again?

Its quarter to nine, Silas will be waking up to eat fairly soon and I will hopefully get some rest after that.

A Voice For Henry

Sometimes life gets away from you. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months, adjusting to having three children, school started for Grace, Henry is beginning the transition process into preschool and Silas is growing like a weed.  So I have been a little busy and have not found the time to write yet this morning I need to.

Henry begins preschool at the end of the month and we have been working with the Up to Three program to determine the best way for Henry to communicate in an everyday school setting. It was decided that an iPad would most likely be the best option, but they are expensive and the apps needed are almost as much as the iPad itself.  My mother came across a website that helps you to set up fundraisers and through my mother's genius A Voice For Henry was created.

I am completely overwhelmed at the showing of love and support not only from our family and community but from complete strangers as well! We reached our goal within two days and even exceeded it!

Its amazing how many people this little boy has touched and I am very pleased to say that Henry will be getting an iPad with the needed Apps and a child friendly (envision being dropped and still being okay) case. I cannot thank everyone enough I am so excited to watch Henry develop his communication skills even further with this tool and I will happily keep you all updated!

A Much Needed Reminder

I took a me day today. Its been a very long time since I did that.

Henry woke up at 9:30 but was kind enough to fall back to sleep until 10. Silas was willing to eat while laying down with me, nursing and sleeping makes me nervous but I was so exhausted I couldn't physically sit up and feed him at the same time, it just wasn't going to work.  When we all finally were up we ran up to my mothers to take a requested item to my sister that was out harassing I mean visiting my our mother.

Henry asked for a drink while we were there and I found some chocolate milk in the fridge, the expiration date had passed (by a couple of days) but there was no odd smell or bad taste so I thought it was safe... An hour and a half or so later while he threw up all over the floor, all over Silas, all over me, I began to think that maybe the milk wasn't so safe after all. And of course the bouts of vomit happened just when Si decided he was starving. Have you ever tried to comfort a child that is actively vomiting while breastfeeding another? Its not in my top ten list of fun things to do. Henry finally stopped puking (and after we ALL had a quick scrub down in the shower) was out cold on the couch -that NEVER happens!!! he is a sleep in his bed and only his bed kind of kid- while Si knocked out in my arms and was carefully transferred to his recliner.

I made dinner, cleaned the kitchen, swept the main floor, and made two different kinds of dessert all while both of my boys slept within my sight and Pandora played my favorite station. Today, turned into a day that I desperately needed, I had a legitimate excuse to NOT be at church. Not that I didn't want to go, but lets face it today I just didn't want to go and having a child that can't go more than 4 minutes without puking seemed like a good reason to forgo it.

So I did something I haven't done in a long time. I made a big pot of gumbo! With fresh peppers, some of which were from my very own garden and onions and gigantic heirloom tomatoes! Last night I invited all my family to come to dinner tonight. My parents, brother and his wife, friend and her sister and in-laws RSVP'd. So instead of being lazy I HAD to do something.  In addition to the gumbo that I could make in my sleep, I tried two recipes from Pinterest one for a Malted Milk Cake this is the second time I have tried this cake and the flavor was incredible but the cake ended up being sticky and it fell in the center. I didn't even bother icing it, but it did get eaten! The second Cake was supposed to be The Most Amazing Chocolate Cake - it was good I think it lacked a round flavor, and had a bitter after taste but that's just me everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

I was so very glad to have everyone over, even if it meant a lot of dishes and some extra work. It kept me busy and made me remember that I was good at something even if there were a few disasters along the way... did I mention the fact that I burnt half the peppers to the bottom of the pot, and started a small fire in my oven while baking the cakes? Typical misadventures of this girl but it ended up being a pretty stellar day and being able to spend a day or several hours in the kitchen doing something I love, for people I love was probably the best therapy I have had in a long time and it was I will admit something I was in desperate need of.

My Last Birthday

Well this girl is now 29 years old!

I celebrated my birthday by cleaning house. My good friend, confidant, therapist and lets face it someone that I honestly know I couldn't have survived the last 6 months without, came over and helped me get my house picked up and clean for my birthday. She brought me a basket full of sunshine, cute little trinkets, lip balm, lemon drops and smell goods, perfume, bodywash, yellow sunflower shaped loofah, and air freshener.  She played therapist and listened to me grieve, on more than one occasion. We are kindred spirits and I am so very grateful for her.

My little sister and niece came over and they helped make apple butter and and then Anna tweezed my eyebrows while another friend stopped by with her son. Bringing me two lovely yellow roses and she stated they are yellow roses because we are FRIENDS!

I had to take Grace down to The Ex  and as we were preparing to go I was doing a few last minute clean up things in the kitchen while Grace readied to go and I looked at the clock on the stove like I had a thousand times before and saw that it was 5 :24 pm and I instantly thought, "Chase should be home any minute, I wonder what he has planned for us." And then reality caught up with me, threw me to the ground as hard as it could and stomped on me. It took me a moment to catch my breath but the crazy thing is, I did.

So we headed to Fruit Heights to drop Grace off and after that my mom Henry, Si and I ran over to my cousins new-to-them 1940's home in Bountiful, its cute and quirky and I know that his lovely wife (and designer of this blog) will make it into a wonderful and lovely home. They were gracious enough to send us home with a box full of peaches, that I believe are destined to become filling of a belated birthday cake and a peach jalepeno jam.

By 9:30 I realized I hadn't eaten anything the whole day and decided I probably should. We enjoyed dinner at Pei Wei. Had a touching conversation with a cook. His name was Anthony and he was enamored with Silas, he had the look of a man that was fascinated by babies. He admitted that he and his wife were expecting their own on Halloween, and then as he looked at my boys I could see heartache surfacing.  He pointed to a tatoo on his arm, angel wings and a name. He told us of a son that he and his wife had lost at 31 weeks, my heart broke for him and I teared up. I told him that Henry had been born with a birth defect and I could relate to being in awe that any child is ever born healthy. We discussed the loss of his son and the awful process that it was and then my mom looked at me as if asking permission. She told him that I had just lost my husband nearly 6 months ago and just had this baby a month ago.

It never ceases to amaze me that somehow people that are grieving seem to find one another. I have had several experiences as of late of people that seem to be drawn to me and vice versa, and we come to find that we share a common thread, grief although completely different types seems to draw us closer together. Anthony wished me a happy birthday, handed me a gift card for my next visit and we both wished each other well.

 We headed home exhausted from the pursuits of our day.

I had just finished feeding Silas and was getting into bed when my phone rang. Four minutes until midnight.  It was my father calling from work. "I wanted to be the LAST one to wish you a happy birthday," he said and then told me he remembered the day I was born and how excited he was to have a daughter. I could relate to that excitement because my excitement about Silas arriving a month ago is still so fresh. He also told me he loved me and that he was proud of me! Now my dad does use the word proud very often, the whole not being prideful thing (this is said in good humor) but he told me he was impressed with how I have handled all that has come my way not only this last year but throughout my life. He said, "My grandma would say You've got grit!"

*I cried, I cried a lot!*

All in all, it was not the worst birthday I have ever had, that's a whole other story and one I'm not up for reliving at the moment but it probably was the hardest one. But, I survived. Heck, I have even made it through another day of being 29 and the world hasn't ended!

One day, one moment, one instant at a time. Its been almost 6 months that I've made it through. I have found recently that I can do hard things, even when I don't want to. I have 3 wonderful children that are fairing pretty well because I keep going and haven't given up even when I wanted to.

I have yet to have a year of my life I would ever want to repeat but I'm 29 now and since Chase will forever be 29, I'm hoping that 29 is pretty good for me because I'll be repeating it from here on out bring on 29A...29B...29C etc.

Tonight I Wanna Cry...

I have now given birth three times and ever since the first time I have dreaded the first week postpardtum, the afterbirth pains, the recovery, milk coming in and most of all the surge of hormones and scary emotional roller coaster that ensues.  I am now four days out and I have been pretty proud of myself and how I have been doing, but today its like it hit me. I have been down and mopey all day. I have done my best to stay out of the funk but today its kind of enveloped me and I couldn't seem to shake it. 

Everytime my mind has drifted to the pain of my loss I have fought back replaced it with a happy thought or memory trying to avoid the hurt but today its been hard, and I couldn't figure it out why I couldn't make it work.  Then tonight it hit me.

Today is August 10th. Its been five months since Chase passed away. Five months. 

Thinking about how Chase won't hold our son. Thinking about how much he's going miss. Thinking about all the photos I won't get to take. All the moments that will be missing something, someone. 

I found a beautiful quote today, "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward." ~C. S. Lewis 

A Birth Story- Silas Clark

This is a place holder post. Eventually this will be the story of Silas' birth. Tonight however it is just a placeholder. I am too tired tonight to write about it. My heart is full of many different emotions tonight.

Becoming A Memory

Tonight after the children were in bed and Dr. Who just wasn't cutting it, I popped downstairs for something to occupy my tastebuds. Finding my distraction in the freezer I quietly meandered through my main floor. I paused in front of the curio cabinet transfixed on the face of someone I used to know. Someone that is slowly becoming a memory. This was a daunting realization. Just a memory.

My heart is breaking a little more tonight because I realize that memories fade. I don't want him to fade, I want him here. More than anything. I ache for him but time moves on. The sun rises and sets. The seasons are changing. My life is changing and as much as I wish I could turn back the clock erase all the bad. FIX this horrible change. I can't and every day that passes he slips more into the realm of memory, instead of reality.

Summertime

Well the day that I thought this child would arrive has come and gone, a whole week past what I expected. I guess he is teaching me a lesson in patience and God's time, which really is not a lesson I thought I was in need of, since I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the fact that I am not in control in any way, shape, or form. I do however have a promise from the doctor that this child will arrive by Tuesday, and if not he will induce Tuesday morning and I will have him in my arms by Tuesday night.

Its been a busy summer, Grace has been on several adventures she has taken swimming lessons, attended gymnastics and gotten to spend lots of time playing with cousins and friends.  Henry has had surgery, worked hard at talking and is loving his new mobility. He does NOT enjoy the splash pad or anything to do with water unless its contained in a bathtub.

We attended the Gale Family (Chase's Mom) Reunion last week and the kids enjoyed fishing, eating watermelon and just playing with cousins.

Henry and Grace are pretty good friends and if one does it the other quickly follows suit.

Going crazy?

It's been an odd morning. I keep seeing men that look so similar to Chase everywhere I go. My mind has been playing tricks on me. It's Friday, so I though, oh good he will come home early we will have a nice quiet weekend maye we will be welcoming our new little boy. It's been an odd morning. I keep thinking about things that are not even possibilities. I keep thinking he will show up. That I will see him walk in the door, tht he will call. Maybe it's a way of coping with all that's happened this week but maybe I'm finally just loosing it. 

Unbelievable

My in-laws are living through Hell.

Chase's younger brother, Eric passed away July 11, 2013. Four months and one day after his older brother.

Eric was a kind-hearted man and loving father. He loved his children and enjoyed playing with his nieces and nephews. Watching him play basketball with his brothers was always entertaining and he always had something to say about everything.  The first time I met him was at a Superbowl party, he had built a mock up of the Superbowl trophy and brought it with him. It was always exciting to see what he would do next.

We are all devastated by his loss... but his parents... how they are still breathing is beyond me. I really do not think that anyone should ever have to go through this Hell, let alone twice in a lifetime and then twice in four months of each other! My heart breaks for them.

Music

I know that I have done several posts on music but its such an integral part of my life that I can't seem to shy away from it.

Again, I am going to mention Kip Moore's "Hey Pretty Girl" it seems to be heading up the charts and its on the radio so very often. I know it sounds silly but I can't help but think Chase has had something to do with that, a constant reminder of him in these recent months. I know its completely illogical but nothing about what's happened these last few months seems very logical.

It funny how nearly every song I hear brings a memory. Good or bad. Too many songs to count can be linked to my previous life. Even new songs.

I went for almost a month only listening to church music because the memories were just too painful, but not feeling them not connecting to the music in such a personal way was painful too.

Oh to find a happy medium.

Remembering

Tomorrow is the 4th of July.   I am aching for this man.  He loved the fourth.  I have no idea how I'm going to make it through tomorrow without him.

How

Over the last three months I realized that the world does not slow down, time does not stop when you feel like it should. Things continue on, life continues even when you're not sure how its possible.

As summer settles in and stretches its hot lungs I find myself having a hard time believing that this world can continue on its orbit without Chase.  How can things keep moving forward without his smile and laughter.  As the cottonwood falls like snow this June I see him laughing at Grace with cotton in her hair. Or I can see him being pulled behind his dad's boat, beaming at having landed a 360 or just happy about being able to get up on the skyski.

I really don't know how its possible that there will be summers without his laughter without the smell of sun on his skin after a day at the lake.

I did everything I could possibly do for closure. I found him. I told the medical staff to stop. I helped dress him. I said my goodbyes. I buried him. He's not coming home, I KNOW he's not coming home but there is still a huge part of me that expects him to show up.  I come around the corner in the kitchen and I expect to see him on the couch, xbox remote in hand look of intense concentration on his face.

How does life keep going when so much of what my life was is gone?

Mind Games

I went to bed last night hoping and praying that all the signs that had been popping up throughout the day of an impending migraine were wrong. I even took some tyenol prior to heading off to bed in hopes that if there was a headache lurking on the horizion that the medicine would take care of it. No such luck.

Luckily and thankfully my faithful friend Kenna showed up this morning and whisked Henry off with her small clan and told me to get some rest she'll take care of Henry while I sleep.

I can't remember the last time I slept until after three oclock in the afternoon. It had to have been before Chase died.  That was something he was very good at, if I had a migraine the house would become still and quiet and he would magically take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.  As I slept today I was comforted by the thought that maybe that's all this really was, maybe I was just in the midst of one of the worst migraines I had ever had accompanied by the torturous dreams that go hand in hand with them, maybe just maybe ALL of this, the last three months were just part of a bad migraine.

Sadly, when I did finally awake from my migraine induced slumber the photos were on my night stand and my hand was tightly clenching Chase's dog tag.

It was so real for a few moments. This was all just a nightmare for a few precious moments. Instead of a heartbreaking reality.

Shouldn't I Get Some Kind of Chip or Key Chain?

Today marks three months since Chase passed. Although I stopped by the cemetery on Thursday I felt the intense desire to visit today.

Call me sentimental, or a glutton for punishment,  but three months, a quarter of a year, a whole pregnancy trimester, 90 days (give or take) have passed and that seemed significant to me. (I would be getting a chip if I was a recovering Alcoholic or  a key chain if I was a member of NA)

It has changed from the tail end of winter to spring and spring has given way to summer. The whole world has continued moving even when I feel as if mine has stopped.

Its been crazy.  It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time it feels forever ago.  Not a single day goes by that I don't miss him. Not a single day goes by that I don't wish this was all just a bad dream, or that I could go back and fix it.

In other news: Henry is slowly recovering from surgery. We are back home safe and sound and he is on oxygen and a monitor while he sleeps.  He has been super clingy and needy lately which is understandable he did just have three surgeries all at once and I'm sure his throat is killing him,  but I can't help but think part of this has to do with him missing his dad. He has gone through my phone more than once to look at photos of Chase, and even carried around a copy of his funeral program with him today. {There is a photo of him on the cover.}

He and Chase always seemed to be buddies when it came time for surgery. Chase would hold him and just love on him  and they would both seem to calm down nearly instantly. These two boys were best friends and would look out for each other.  I am doing my best to give him what he needs and give him all the loves I can,  I am just afraid that I won't ever measure up to the kind of loves that only Daddy can give.

Caught Off Guard

Driving home from the hospital today my car made the now all too familiar turns to the Roy Cemetery, almost as if it was doing it of its own accord.  As we slowed to a stop near the corner my eye was caught by something that hadn't been there before, something I was waiting for but didn't think it could really be real They were supposed to call before it was placed they were supposed to let me know it had come in.  I was supposed to have a warning, there was supposed to be a plan for this, I  was not supposed to be caught with my guard down.  It was supposed to be expected.

I threw the car into park left my mom and Henry in the car and stumbled across the two rows.  There it was.  I fell to my knees in front of it, had my round stomach not prevented it I would have laid down right there and melted into the ground.

In the moment in which I read his name I realized, It's real. He's really gone. Seeing it literally set in stone/bronze brings a finality to it that I did not expect that I couldn't even imagine.

My poor mother didn't know what to do as I knelt there sobbing, doubled over in front of his marker,  not wailing but crying audibly.  The poor woman that was replacing mums -because they had mowed this morning- on a grave a few rows over and up must have thought I was crazy. I noticed her but I couldn't stop. My mother tried to console  me by rubbing my back, she even asked what she could do abut I just knelt there doubled over, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down my face and sobs escaping from my lips every so often as I gently caressed the marker.

The bronze was hot under my fingertips the early summer sun heating the metal through almost to the point where it could burn the skin. It seemed a tangible reminder of the loss the searing feeling traveled up my finger tips and into my heart as if to remind me of the constant loneliness and agonizing ache.  

It took me several minutes to gather my senses again.  It wasn't until my mother brought Henry to me that I was able to slow my breathing and take a much needed deep breath to calm my tears. He calmed my aching soul and brought me back to the now.

I had something more pressing that grief, a little boy that really didn't feel very well after surgery that just needed some loves from his mom.

Stronger Than You Think

This little boy is amazing. He had his 11th, 12th and 13th surgeries today. A tonsilectomy, a partial adnoidectomy and a supraglotoplasty!  So they took out his tonsils, part of his adnoids and apparently some extra tissue that surrounded his voicebox that was causing his airway to be completely obstructed when he would take a deep breath. No wonder he sounded so awful when he slept!

Now this little boy has been through quiet enough already in his short two and a half years but as always he has been such a good sport and surprisingly in quite good spirits.

He is recovering well and expected to go home in the morning.

Missed Milestones

Grace graduated from preschool today! She has had quite the year. She attended two different preschools one on Monday and Wednesday mornings called Little Cahoots. And one that ran Monday through Thursday in the afternoons through the school district. She got to ride the bus and had thirty minutes between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. It made for a couple of very busy and fast afternoon lunches each week.


Chase was so proud of her! He was so very supportive of her. She qualified for the special needs preschool after we had already enrolled her in Little Cahoots and the Preschool at Canyon Elemetary was free but he thought it was so important for her to attend Little Cahoots that he made sure that it worked with our budget and after I got pregnant he would stay home late on Mondays and Wednesdays to get her ready and off to school in the mornings. And then would even pick her up two and a half hours later bring her home and get her off to her next school.

She absolutely adored her teacher at Little Cahoots- Miss Katrisha.   The program she ran was one that Grace LOVED! There was a big focus on music and Grace LOVES music.  Grace received the "Dory Award" because even though she has had some very HARD things to get through this year she was able to  "Just Keep Swimming".

Chase would have loved the program this evening.  He always made sure to attend her little performances and made a big deal about how well she did! She did a great job tonight and I was so very proud of her for how far she has come this year, I just wish Chase could have been there to cheer her on with us. 

Memorial Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. A day in which we celebrate our Veteran's.  Chase was a Veteran.  He served in the Navy.

Our little family "celebrated" Memorial Day on Friday.  We headed down to the Roy Cemetery and put out pink mums (at Grace's request) she reminded me that they looked like the flower she laid by Daddy's head so he could have it in Heaven and said she thought he would like them. We also put out a couple of flags and a little whirly spinner thing. It wasn't much his headstone has not arrived yet but I received notification that it will be here within 4-6 weeks. Although, Chase did not serve in the Navy very long he was proud that he did serve and he loved his country.

Memorial Day weekend has been very special to me for the last several years.  Chase and I always seemed to have a lot going on this weekend.  It typically started out with something crazy happening but usually ended in us drawing closer to one another and me with a nasty sunburn.

Three years ago it was the Wednesday prior to Memorial Day that we discovered we were expecting Henry.  Chase's way of dealing with that life changing news was typical for him back then and it lead to some difficult consequences but it also lead to him realizing what he really wanted. It was in that weekend that Chase told me how excited he was to be a family, how excited he was to have a child that was a part of him. How excited and determined he was to get his life sorted out so he could be the best Dad he could possibly be. He had his ups and downs along the way but he really was a great father and that is what we are choosing to remember this weekend.

Funny Thing Is...

As I wind down from a very busy day that included {a little boy with serious tummy issues, vacuuming out my new to me car, taking Grace to get her Kindergarten shot, trying to track down a copy of my insurance card, then doing the bedtime routine and not getting Grace to actually stay in bed until almost NINE} I have been perusing Pinterest and attempting to get some spiritual studying aka scripture reading done while I've been at it.

As I am sure you can imagine a woman trying to cope and handle the loss I her spouse while pregnant is a bit of an emotional wreck at times. Try being a dehydrated, sick, and exhausted emotional wreck and see how much fun that is... But as I was pinteresting I came across Princess Bride quotes. Seriously one of my top five favorite movies of all
Time! And I came across a quote I have probably heard more than 250+ times in my life but it has brought me much comfort this evening as I lay here in my empty bed missing Chase.

"Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while."

This has brought me more peace tonight than almost anything else... Is that sacrilegious?

A Sick Day

This poor little boy has a tummyache and I think the beginning of yet another ear infection. So it's been a sit on the couch rightnexttomom kind of day.

He just can't seem to catch a break. He will be having his tonsils and adnoids out in a couple of weeks. Lucky him. Hopefully it will help with his snoring an airway issues.

So today I am grateful for prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because sometimes that's about all the time you have to prepare lunch.

A Busy Day

Today was a typical every other weekend kind of busy day.

I had to take Grace down to my Ex because it is his weekend for "Parent Time".  On the weekends that I have to go down South I try to get all the errands in I can while down that direction. Visiting the in-laws, shopping at the stores we don't have here in Cache Valley (Target) and stopping by the cemetery to "visit" Chase.

 Grace was so excited to head down to the Ex's because it was promised that his wife's niece/Grace's step-cousin (and friend) was coming over for a sleep over!  From the moment she got up this morning she was asking how soon she could go see Caitlyn. Every five minutes, "Is it time to go yet?"

We headed down a little early with the intent to stop for lunch, swing by my mother-in-law's office so she could show off her grandkids and then stop by the cemetery before dropping Grace off but she was so adamant about seeing Caitlyn she didn't want to do anything else.  Well, getting lunch was an approved side activity.

I got Grace safely delivered to the Ex in time that she could go with him to pick up the cousin with the Ex.  She was crazy excited, so much so she forgot to kiss me goodbye! I quickly reminded her as she was beginning to walk away and she hurriedly ran back to me and gave me a quick kiss then was ready to be gone again.

Henry and I got to run the rest of our errands together. Which involved, catching up with an old friend and meeting his partner, braving Ikea in search of baskets to match what I already have, only to find out that the new version is collapsable and NOT what I wanted, waiting for the person I had agreed to purchase an electronic's item from (He was nearly two hours late!-It was however worth the wait.) stopping by the cemetery, where I ran into my mother-in-law and then by my parents to show off my purchase!

It was a very LONG and busy day. Poor Henry didn't get a nap and wasn't in bed until nearly 9:30 pm which is unheard of for him.  I am now writing this blog in bed while being serenaded by the melodious sounds of his obscenely loud snores waft through the upstairs of my very empty feeling apartment.

Winding down after a day like today was something I always enjoyed with Chase.  If he had a lot going on at work I would typically make the trip down to my Ex's while he was still working and try to time it so I was home by the time he got home.  Winding down with only one fairly mild mannered child that was willing to be in bed by 7:30 pm was our treat. We would pop in a movie or catch up on our DVR while I crocheted and he knitted. The house feels empty without the typical Friday night rituals taking place its been two months and I still am surprised by how wrong this feels. I wonder when -if ever- that will change.

I Go Back

As I slowly venture back into real life which for me equates to having music playing during most of the waking hours... I realize just how much music plays a role in my life. I also realize just how much music or certain songs mean to me even when I didn't realize I had placed such a heavy importance on them.

I know that I have posted about specific songs already but it still amazes me on a daily basis if not a moment to moment basis just how much influence music has in our lives. It can shift the whole mood of the day with one little song. Now I am sure we have all had the lesson on how music sets the tone but it is astounding to me how the first chords of a song takes me immediately back to a place and a time, or reminds me distinctly of a feeling or action that is no longer accessible in my day to day life. For example: holding hands, a quick kiss hello or goodbye etc

Kip Moore's "Hey Pretty Girl" came on the radio on Monday and I had to pull over I was so overcome with emotion. He was one of the opening acts to a concert that Chase and I attended and hearing that song took me back to that night. Which is one that I will always remember because some important things happened that night... But I digress. That song came on and it was like we were standing at the maverick center swaying back and forth his arm draped around me and me i can smell the extra polar ice gum on his breath loosely masking the smell of Cocacola. My arms wrapped around him, looking up into his vibrant clear, clean blue eyes with that scruffy goody beard he had for no-shave-november and his lips were slightly chapped and I am feeling myself fall even deeper in love with him as the song plays.

The song was instantly downloaded to my phone and has been in heavy rotation, when I get sentimental or masocistic take your pick.

It's not just this one song though there are so many that have that effect on me. So many that take me as far back as the day we met even. My whole life has revolved around music, certain songs take me to a specific summer or even a heartbreaking moment but the songs that take me back to places and moments with Chase seem particularly poignant right now.

I wonder if that will ever fade?

On a Day Like Today

Days like this make me question almost everything.

Now, let me first state that I know that God also refered to by me as Heavenly Father,  is kind and wants to bless us as often as possible, and is NOT an angry or vengeful God.

However, days like today that mean and negative voice pulls at my ear, taunting me. Teasing me, telling me that how could He love me and still allow all these negative thing occur in my life?

Am I being punished for not being my best and most perfect self? Am I an awful mother because my children both had multiple meltdowns today? How could a God that loves me take away my partner?-My personal link to sanity on days like today where everything and everyone (especially my children) seems to be against me?

After a day like today it only further cements my belief that if at all possible children should be raised in a two parent household.  This is more for the parents sake than for the children's.

On days like today, Chase would come home after having listened to me vent my frustrations about the childrens' actions and that in and of itself made a world of difference but he would also come home and tag me out so to speak. I could do something novel, like use the bathroom in peace! or be given the opportunity to run go do my visiting teaching without having to find a sitter or go to the store for the string cheese that Henry has been begging for all day.  

But what do you do when that's not an option? How does one cope when its just them and that helpmate isn't there anymore? - This applies to single parents everywhere, whether it was by divorce, abandonment, death etc. What can we do to keep our sanity? And how can we feel our Father in Heaven's influence and love when by the time the kids are FINALLY asleep in bed, all you can do is lay in your own bed and weep?

Stages of Grief ~Anger~

I have been warned throughout the last month and a half that there are several stages to grief.

Anger is one of them.

I have done a pretty good job of not hitting too hard on this "stage" I have had my moments but seriously haven't felt serious anger, well not much that was directed towards Chase anyway, that is until yesterday.

Chase's autopsy results were returned yesterday.

Anger doesn't even begin to describe the emotion that magically appeared as I read the cause of death.

I had known all along what it would be, but getting the official results. Having my worst fears confirmed. I can't even find the words to accurately portray my irrational disgust. Which is kind of funny because this feeling lasted for less than a day.

I am actually more upset with the ignorant comments I get from others that have never dealt with or witnessed the problem that Chase struggled with and ultimately lost the battle . People that want to know if I think that Chase is going to suffer eternal consequences for his choices. *insert mouth dropping open wide* My answer to that question deserves a whole post in and of itself.

Honestly, my anger is not primarily directed towards Chase.  I really don't know where it is directed to tell you the truth. Some days it is at his family, some days its at the doctors, some days it is even directed towards myself very rarely does he get the brunt of my anger.  My counselor asked if I felt like I wasn't allowed to be mad at him, my answer was that anger doesn't help me. It won't bring him back and really I am more sorry for and sorrowful for him than any other emotion.

I have my moments but I feel like at this point anger isn't going to do me any good and I am smart enough to know that it is always a secondary emotion. I still have my moments where I want to yell and scream at the man and tell him off, and I plan on giving him an earful when we meet again in the great hereafter but all I want right now is to have him wrap me in his arms again and tell me he loves me.