Caught Off Guard

Driving home from the hospital today my car made the now all too familiar turns to the Roy Cemetery, almost as if it was doing it of its own accord.  As we slowed to a stop near the corner my eye was caught by something that hadn't been there before, something I was waiting for but didn't think it could really be real They were supposed to call before it was placed they were supposed to let me know it had come in.  I was supposed to have a warning, there was supposed to be a plan for this, I  was not supposed to be caught with my guard down.  It was supposed to be expected.

I threw the car into park left my mom and Henry in the car and stumbled across the two rows.  There it was.  I fell to my knees in front of it, had my round stomach not prevented it I would have laid down right there and melted into the ground.

In the moment in which I read his name I realized, It's real. He's really gone. Seeing it literally set in stone/bronze brings a finality to it that I did not expect that I couldn't even imagine.

My poor mother didn't know what to do as I knelt there sobbing, doubled over in front of his marker,  not wailing but crying audibly.  The poor woman that was replacing mums -because they had mowed this morning- on a grave a few rows over and up must have thought I was crazy. I noticed her but I couldn't stop. My mother tried to console  me by rubbing my back, she even asked what she could do abut I just knelt there doubled over, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down my face and sobs escaping from my lips every so often as I gently caressed the marker.

The bronze was hot under my fingertips the early summer sun heating the metal through almost to the point where it could burn the skin. It seemed a tangible reminder of the loss the searing feeling traveled up my finger tips and into my heart as if to remind me of the constant loneliness and agonizing ache.  

It took me several minutes to gather my senses again.  It wasn't until my mother brought Henry to me that I was able to slow my breathing and take a much needed deep breath to calm my tears. He calmed my aching soul and brought me back to the now.

I had something more pressing that grief, a little boy that really didn't feel very well after surgery that just needed some loves from his mom.