Stages of Grief ~Anger~

I have been warned throughout the last month and a half that there are several stages to grief.

Anger is one of them.

I have done a pretty good job of not hitting too hard on this "stage" I have had my moments but seriously haven't felt serious anger, well not much that was directed towards Chase anyway, that is until yesterday.

Chase's autopsy results were returned yesterday.

Anger doesn't even begin to describe the emotion that magically appeared as I read the cause of death.

I had known all along what it would be, but getting the official results. Having my worst fears confirmed. I can't even find the words to accurately portray my irrational disgust. Which is kind of funny because this feeling lasted for less than a day.

I am actually more upset with the ignorant comments I get from others that have never dealt with or witnessed the problem that Chase struggled with and ultimately lost the battle . People that want to know if I think that Chase is going to suffer eternal consequences for his choices. *insert mouth dropping open wide* My answer to that question deserves a whole post in and of itself.

Honestly, my anger is not primarily directed towards Chase.  I really don't know where it is directed to tell you the truth. Some days it is at his family, some days its at the doctors, some days it is even directed towards myself very rarely does he get the brunt of my anger.  My counselor asked if I felt like I wasn't allowed to be mad at him, my answer was that anger doesn't help me. It won't bring him back and really I am more sorry for and sorrowful for him than any other emotion.

I have my moments but I feel like at this point anger isn't going to do me any good and I am smart enough to know that it is always a secondary emotion. I still have my moments where I want to yell and scream at the man and tell him off, and I plan on giving him an earful when we meet again in the great hereafter but all I want right now is to have him wrap me in his arms again and tell me he loves me.