How

Over the last three months I realized that the world does not slow down, time does not stop when you feel like it should. Things continue on, life continues even when you're not sure how its possible.

As summer settles in and stretches its hot lungs I find myself having a hard time believing that this world can continue on its orbit without Chase.  How can things keep moving forward without his smile and laughter.  As the cottonwood falls like snow this June I see him laughing at Grace with cotton in her hair. Or I can see him being pulled behind his dad's boat, beaming at having landed a 360 or just happy about being able to get up on the skyski.

I really don't know how its possible that there will be summers without his laughter without the smell of sun on his skin after a day at the lake.

I did everything I could possibly do for closure. I found him. I told the medical staff to stop. I helped dress him. I said my goodbyes. I buried him. He's not coming home, I KNOW he's not coming home but there is still a huge part of me that expects him to show up.  I come around the corner in the kitchen and I expect to see him on the couch, xbox remote in hand look of intense concentration on his face.

How does life keep going when so much of what my life was is gone?

Mind Games

I went to bed last night hoping and praying that all the signs that had been popping up throughout the day of an impending migraine were wrong. I even took some tyenol prior to heading off to bed in hopes that if there was a headache lurking on the horizion that the medicine would take care of it. No such luck.

Luckily and thankfully my faithful friend Kenna showed up this morning and whisked Henry off with her small clan and told me to get some rest she'll take care of Henry while I sleep.

I can't remember the last time I slept until after three oclock in the afternoon. It had to have been before Chase died.  That was something he was very good at, if I had a migraine the house would become still and quiet and he would magically take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.  As I slept today I was comforted by the thought that maybe that's all this really was, maybe I was just in the midst of one of the worst migraines I had ever had accompanied by the torturous dreams that go hand in hand with them, maybe just maybe ALL of this, the last three months were just part of a bad migraine.

Sadly, when I did finally awake from my migraine induced slumber the photos were on my night stand and my hand was tightly clenching Chase's dog tag.

It was so real for a few moments. This was all just a nightmare for a few precious moments. Instead of a heartbreaking reality.

Shouldn't I Get Some Kind of Chip or Key Chain?

Today marks three months since Chase passed. Although I stopped by the cemetery on Thursday I felt the intense desire to visit today.

Call me sentimental, or a glutton for punishment,  but three months, a quarter of a year, a whole pregnancy trimester, 90 days (give or take) have passed and that seemed significant to me. (I would be getting a chip if I was a recovering Alcoholic or  a key chain if I was a member of NA)

It has changed from the tail end of winter to spring and spring has given way to summer. The whole world has continued moving even when I feel as if mine has stopped.

Its been crazy.  It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time it feels forever ago.  Not a single day goes by that I don't miss him. Not a single day goes by that I don't wish this was all just a bad dream, or that I could go back and fix it.

In other news: Henry is slowly recovering from surgery. We are back home safe and sound and he is on oxygen and a monitor while he sleeps.  He has been super clingy and needy lately which is understandable he did just have three surgeries all at once and I'm sure his throat is killing him,  but I can't help but think part of this has to do with him missing his dad. He has gone through my phone more than once to look at photos of Chase, and even carried around a copy of his funeral program with him today. {There is a photo of him on the cover.}

He and Chase always seemed to be buddies when it came time for surgery. Chase would hold him and just love on him  and they would both seem to calm down nearly instantly. These two boys were best friends and would look out for each other.  I am doing my best to give him what he needs and give him all the loves I can,  I am just afraid that I won't ever measure up to the kind of loves that only Daddy can give.

Caught Off Guard

Driving home from the hospital today my car made the now all too familiar turns to the Roy Cemetery, almost as if it was doing it of its own accord.  As we slowed to a stop near the corner my eye was caught by something that hadn't been there before, something I was waiting for but didn't think it could really be real They were supposed to call before it was placed they were supposed to let me know it had come in.  I was supposed to have a warning, there was supposed to be a plan for this, I  was not supposed to be caught with my guard down.  It was supposed to be expected.

I threw the car into park left my mom and Henry in the car and stumbled across the two rows.  There it was.  I fell to my knees in front of it, had my round stomach not prevented it I would have laid down right there and melted into the ground.

In the moment in which I read his name I realized, It's real. He's really gone. Seeing it literally set in stone/bronze brings a finality to it that I did not expect that I couldn't even imagine.

My poor mother didn't know what to do as I knelt there sobbing, doubled over in front of his marker,  not wailing but crying audibly.  The poor woman that was replacing mums -because they had mowed this morning- on a grave a few rows over and up must have thought I was crazy. I noticed her but I couldn't stop. My mother tried to console  me by rubbing my back, she even asked what she could do abut I just knelt there doubled over, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down my face and sobs escaping from my lips every so often as I gently caressed the marker.

The bronze was hot under my fingertips the early summer sun heating the metal through almost to the point where it could burn the skin. It seemed a tangible reminder of the loss the searing feeling traveled up my finger tips and into my heart as if to remind me of the constant loneliness and agonizing ache.  

It took me several minutes to gather my senses again.  It wasn't until my mother brought Henry to me that I was able to slow my breathing and take a much needed deep breath to calm my tears. He calmed my aching soul and brought me back to the now.

I had something more pressing that grief, a little boy that really didn't feel very well after surgery that just needed some loves from his mom.

Stronger Than You Think

This little boy is amazing. He had his 11th, 12th and 13th surgeries today. A tonsilectomy, a partial adnoidectomy and a supraglotoplasty!  So they took out his tonsils, part of his adnoids and apparently some extra tissue that surrounded his voicebox that was causing his airway to be completely obstructed when he would take a deep breath. No wonder he sounded so awful when he slept!

Now this little boy has been through quiet enough already in his short two and a half years but as always he has been such a good sport and surprisingly in quite good spirits.

He is recovering well and expected to go home in the morning.