Missed Milestones

Grace graduated from preschool today! She has had quite the year. She attended two different preschools one on Monday and Wednesday mornings called Little Cahoots. And one that ran Monday through Thursday in the afternoons through the school district. She got to ride the bus and had thirty minutes between classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. It made for a couple of very busy and fast afternoon lunches each week.


Chase was so proud of her! He was so very supportive of her. She qualified for the special needs preschool after we had already enrolled her in Little Cahoots and the Preschool at Canyon Elemetary was free but he thought it was so important for her to attend Little Cahoots that he made sure that it worked with our budget and after I got pregnant he would stay home late on Mondays and Wednesdays to get her ready and off to school in the mornings. And then would even pick her up two and a half hours later bring her home and get her off to her next school.

She absolutely adored her teacher at Little Cahoots- Miss Katrisha.   The program she ran was one that Grace LOVED! There was a big focus on music and Grace LOVES music.  Grace received the "Dory Award" because even though she has had some very HARD things to get through this year she was able to  "Just Keep Swimming".

Chase would have loved the program this evening.  He always made sure to attend her little performances and made a big deal about how well she did! She did a great job tonight and I was so very proud of her for how far she has come this year, I just wish Chase could have been there to cheer her on with us. 

Memorial Day

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. A day in which we celebrate our Veteran's.  Chase was a Veteran.  He served in the Navy.

Our little family "celebrated" Memorial Day on Friday.  We headed down to the Roy Cemetery and put out pink mums (at Grace's request) she reminded me that they looked like the flower she laid by Daddy's head so he could have it in Heaven and said she thought he would like them. We also put out a couple of flags and a little whirly spinner thing. It wasn't much his headstone has not arrived yet but I received notification that it will be here within 4-6 weeks. Although, Chase did not serve in the Navy very long he was proud that he did serve and he loved his country.

Memorial Day weekend has been very special to me for the last several years.  Chase and I always seemed to have a lot going on this weekend.  It typically started out with something crazy happening but usually ended in us drawing closer to one another and me with a nasty sunburn.

Three years ago it was the Wednesday prior to Memorial Day that we discovered we were expecting Henry.  Chase's way of dealing with that life changing news was typical for him back then and it lead to some difficult consequences but it also lead to him realizing what he really wanted. It was in that weekend that Chase told me how excited he was to be a family, how excited he was to have a child that was a part of him. How excited and determined he was to get his life sorted out so he could be the best Dad he could possibly be. He had his ups and downs along the way but he really was a great father and that is what we are choosing to remember this weekend.

Funny Thing Is...

As I wind down from a very busy day that included {a little boy with serious tummy issues, vacuuming out my new to me car, taking Grace to get her Kindergarten shot, trying to track down a copy of my insurance card, then doing the bedtime routine and not getting Grace to actually stay in bed until almost NINE} I have been perusing Pinterest and attempting to get some spiritual studying aka scripture reading done while I've been at it.

As I am sure you can imagine a woman trying to cope and handle the loss I her spouse while pregnant is a bit of an emotional wreck at times. Try being a dehydrated, sick, and exhausted emotional wreck and see how much fun that is... But as I was pinteresting I came across Princess Bride quotes. Seriously one of my top five favorite movies of all
Time! And I came across a quote I have probably heard more than 250+ times in my life but it has brought me much comfort this evening as I lay here in my empty bed missing Chase.

"Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while."

This has brought me more peace tonight than almost anything else... Is that sacrilegious?

A Sick Day

This poor little boy has a tummyache and I think the beginning of yet another ear infection. So it's been a sit on the couch rightnexttomom kind of day.

He just can't seem to catch a break. He will be having his tonsils and adnoids out in a couple of weeks. Lucky him. Hopefully it will help with his snoring an airway issues.

So today I am grateful for prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because sometimes that's about all the time you have to prepare lunch.

A Busy Day

Today was a typical every other weekend kind of busy day.

I had to take Grace down to my Ex because it is his weekend for "Parent Time".  On the weekends that I have to go down South I try to get all the errands in I can while down that direction. Visiting the in-laws, shopping at the stores we don't have here in Cache Valley (Target) and stopping by the cemetery to "visit" Chase.

 Grace was so excited to head down to the Ex's because it was promised that his wife's niece/Grace's step-cousin (and friend) was coming over for a sleep over!  From the moment she got up this morning she was asking how soon she could go see Caitlyn. Every five minutes, "Is it time to go yet?"

We headed down a little early with the intent to stop for lunch, swing by my mother-in-law's office so she could show off her grandkids and then stop by the cemetery before dropping Grace off but she was so adamant about seeing Caitlyn she didn't want to do anything else.  Well, getting lunch was an approved side activity.

I got Grace safely delivered to the Ex in time that she could go with him to pick up the cousin with the Ex.  She was crazy excited, so much so she forgot to kiss me goodbye! I quickly reminded her as she was beginning to walk away and she hurriedly ran back to me and gave me a quick kiss then was ready to be gone again.

Henry and I got to run the rest of our errands together. Which involved, catching up with an old friend and meeting his partner, braving Ikea in search of baskets to match what I already have, only to find out that the new version is collapsable and NOT what I wanted, waiting for the person I had agreed to purchase an electronic's item from (He was nearly two hours late!-It was however worth the wait.) stopping by the cemetery, where I ran into my mother-in-law and then by my parents to show off my purchase!

It was a very LONG and busy day. Poor Henry didn't get a nap and wasn't in bed until nearly 9:30 pm which is unheard of for him.  I am now writing this blog in bed while being serenaded by the melodious sounds of his obscenely loud snores waft through the upstairs of my very empty feeling apartment.

Winding down after a day like today was something I always enjoyed with Chase.  If he had a lot going on at work I would typically make the trip down to my Ex's while he was still working and try to time it so I was home by the time he got home.  Winding down with only one fairly mild mannered child that was willing to be in bed by 7:30 pm was our treat. We would pop in a movie or catch up on our DVR while I crocheted and he knitted. The house feels empty without the typical Friday night rituals taking place its been two months and I still am surprised by how wrong this feels. I wonder when -if ever- that will change.

I Go Back

As I slowly venture back into real life which for me equates to having music playing during most of the waking hours... I realize just how much music plays a role in my life. I also realize just how much music or certain songs mean to me even when I didn't realize I had placed such a heavy importance on them.

I know that I have posted about specific songs already but it still amazes me on a daily basis if not a moment to moment basis just how much influence music has in our lives. It can shift the whole mood of the day with one little song. Now I am sure we have all had the lesson on how music sets the tone but it is astounding to me how the first chords of a song takes me immediately back to a place and a time, or reminds me distinctly of a feeling or action that is no longer accessible in my day to day life. For example: holding hands, a quick kiss hello or goodbye etc

Kip Moore's "Hey Pretty Girl" came on the radio on Monday and I had to pull over I was so overcome with emotion. He was one of the opening acts to a concert that Chase and I attended and hearing that song took me back to that night. Which is one that I will always remember because some important things happened that night... But I digress. That song came on and it was like we were standing at the maverick center swaying back and forth his arm draped around me and me i can smell the extra polar ice gum on his breath loosely masking the smell of Cocacola. My arms wrapped around him, looking up into his vibrant clear, clean blue eyes with that scruffy goody beard he had for no-shave-november and his lips were slightly chapped and I am feeling myself fall even deeper in love with him as the song plays.

The song was instantly downloaded to my phone and has been in heavy rotation, when I get sentimental or masocistic take your pick.

It's not just this one song though there are so many that have that effect on me. So many that take me as far back as the day we met even. My whole life has revolved around music, certain songs take me to a specific summer or even a heartbreaking moment but the songs that take me back to places and moments with Chase seem particularly poignant right now.

I wonder if that will ever fade?

On a Day Like Today

Days like this make me question almost everything.

Now, let me first state that I know that God also refered to by me as Heavenly Father,  is kind and wants to bless us as often as possible, and is NOT an angry or vengeful God.

However, days like today that mean and negative voice pulls at my ear, taunting me. Teasing me, telling me that how could He love me and still allow all these negative thing occur in my life?

Am I being punished for not being my best and most perfect self? Am I an awful mother because my children both had multiple meltdowns today? How could a God that loves me take away my partner?-My personal link to sanity on days like today where everything and everyone (especially my children) seems to be against me?

After a day like today it only further cements my belief that if at all possible children should be raised in a two parent household.  This is more for the parents sake than for the children's.

On days like today, Chase would come home after having listened to me vent my frustrations about the childrens' actions and that in and of itself made a world of difference but he would also come home and tag me out so to speak. I could do something novel, like use the bathroom in peace! or be given the opportunity to run go do my visiting teaching without having to find a sitter or go to the store for the string cheese that Henry has been begging for all day.  

But what do you do when that's not an option? How does one cope when its just them and that helpmate isn't there anymore? - This applies to single parents everywhere, whether it was by divorce, abandonment, death etc. What can we do to keep our sanity? And how can we feel our Father in Heaven's influence and love when by the time the kids are FINALLY asleep in bed, all you can do is lay in your own bed and weep?

Stages of Grief ~Anger~

I have been warned throughout the last month and a half that there are several stages to grief.

Anger is one of them.

I have done a pretty good job of not hitting too hard on this "stage" I have had my moments but seriously haven't felt serious anger, well not much that was directed towards Chase anyway, that is until yesterday.

Chase's autopsy results were returned yesterday.

Anger doesn't even begin to describe the emotion that magically appeared as I read the cause of death.

I had known all along what it would be, but getting the official results. Having my worst fears confirmed. I can't even find the words to accurately portray my irrational disgust. Which is kind of funny because this feeling lasted for less than a day.

I am actually more upset with the ignorant comments I get from others that have never dealt with or witnessed the problem that Chase struggled with and ultimately lost the battle . People that want to know if I think that Chase is going to suffer eternal consequences for his choices. *insert mouth dropping open wide* My answer to that question deserves a whole post in and of itself.

Honestly, my anger is not primarily directed towards Chase.  I really don't know where it is directed to tell you the truth. Some days it is at his family, some days its at the doctors, some days it is even directed towards myself very rarely does he get the brunt of my anger.  My counselor asked if I felt like I wasn't allowed to be mad at him, my answer was that anger doesn't help me. It won't bring him back and really I am more sorry for and sorrowful for him than any other emotion.

I have my moments but I feel like at this point anger isn't going to do me any good and I am smart enough to know that it is always a secondary emotion. I still have my moments where I want to yell and scream at the man and tell him off, and I plan on giving him an earful when we meet again in the great hereafter but all I want right now is to have him wrap me in his arms again and tell me he loves me.