Something to Look Forward to

When we found out that Luke Bryan would be coming in concert at the end of the summer Chase suggested that we take Grace to the concert. I told him I thought it would be a fun evening. He asked Grace if she wanted to go and she was all for it! So he pinky promised to get tickets.

Tickets didn't go on sale until last Friday.

So now we have something to look forward to after the baby comes and having a concert to look forward to is one of the greatest incentives in this world!

The Baby

I haven't spent much time talking about the upcoming arrival. What kind of expectant mother isn't always gushing about the baby and its HIS impending arrival?

This mama, is exhausted the baby growing process wears her out!  While many other women think is beautiful process is one of the greatest gifts and most spiritual experiences, a woman can ever go through and enjoy every moment of it. THIS mama does not.

I have spent the last 24 weeks being poked, prodded, and essentially wrung out from the inside out. I am down 46.5 pounds so far and NO I am not going to put my current weight because you would then find out what my previous weight was - not  pretty -  I am currently black and blue from my wonderful home health nursing staff trying to find a vein that is strong enough to support an IV for more than 10 seconds and I am so hunched over from sciatic issues that I look like I'm a little old lady walking waddling down the street.

Despite it all, this kid however seems to be managing just fine.  He's consistent in his growth, he moves often and does a fairly good job of making me aware of his needs. You know basic stuff like food and water with how sick he has made me over the past few months I have had the tendency to forget let's blame "pregnancy brain" shall we?

The Baby does not yet have a name.  This is the part where I feel some serious parental guilt.  Both of my other children had names and I was sure of WHO they were before I had gotten very far into my first trimester.  Heck, I knew Henry was a boy and would be named Henry at 7 weeks!!! This little guy has proved to be much more difficult.  Chase and I had batted a few names around but nothing felt like it really fit.  We both really liked Alvin but it didn't feel right.  Sylas was starting to pick up some steam in my regards and Chase didn't HATE it, but he was really pulling for a "Jr."

Here are the guidelines we could agree on for naming this baby.

1. It must be a family name.
2. It must contain 5 letters
3. It must "fit" with the rest of our names

I am so afraid that I'm going to get this baby here and still have no idea what his name should be!

HELP!?

An Unassumingly Normal Day

Here we are- yet again  Primary Children's Outpatient Clinic B- Craniofacial Clinic - this is actually a normal thing for me, it felt so familiar as Henry, my mother and myself were shuffled from one room to the next. With downtime being spent in the waiting room.  

{Henry made good use of the xbox in one corner. Proving he is definitely his father's son.}

Spending a whole day at Primary Children's Medical Center meeting with our Craniofacial Team to discuss what's next on the docket for Henry is normal to me. Explaining Bragging about how much this little boy has improved since the last time they had visited with him nearly six months ago, is something that I really enjoy doing. The having to express my concerns and frustrations however, is not my favorite part, neither is getting to repeat myself to 4 different doctors in 4 different ways.  Henry however was a pretty good sport for the most part. He always holds up pretty well.

We left our appointments feeling like we kind-of-sort-of know the new "plan" (its always changing).  It looks like this little boy will be getting to have his 11th and 12th surgeries here in the next little bit. Tonsils will be banished and a partial adenoidectomy are looking as though they are quickly approaching, followed perhaps by another broncoscopy and yet another sleep study after that. JOY!  But of course none of this is for certain until we receive the Craniofacial Clinic Letter, explaining what we are expected to do.

Doing all of these things, is normal to me I am "used" to dealing with this kind of thing, its what a mom of a kid with Pierre Robin does, you go to the appointments and take care of what needs to be taken care of.

The only really not normal part of my day was the drive home, not calling to check in with Chase was incredibly difficult. { I know you thought I was going to make it through a whole post without mentioning him, no such luck!  }  Calling to explain what was said and catching up on the day was such an integral part of this kind of day, not having it was painful. Yes, I had my wonderful mother with me to distract me but that familiar pull to reach for my phone to catch Chase up on the events of the day was there.   Will that ever fade?

Bedtime

Putting the kids together used to be a happy time it meant that it was finally time to start winding down and that I would get to decompress from the days activities with my sweetheart.  It was hardly exciting but honestly knowing the kids were safe and sound in their beds and having the comfort of our nightly routine was something I throughly enjoyed.  We seldom ventured farther than the couch after the kids were in bed, whether it was to watch a movie together, or what Chase wanted to watch ie MTV Garbage or whatever sporting event was taking place that night however,  I knew that my reinforcements were here and that if the kids got up Chase would promptly return them to bed. He was so good at getting them both back to bed. Sometimes he would give in and bring Henry down for a few minutes but that was because he could convince him to cuddle with him.

On the off chance that I had an evening away from home, whether with relief society or book club Chase would never complain about 1. having the kids to himself for the evening and 2. putting them to bed. In his last week of life he really encouraged me to go off to a relief society dinner so he could have a night with just the kids.

The text I received is what follows :

Since Chase's passing, both of my children have been having issues with their bedtime routine. Grace doesn't want to pray and Henry has a meltdown if I don't pray just right.

Grace's bedtime trouble also has coincided with daylight savings, "but the sun's not asleep yet!" and they have been making monsters at school, very helpful to the child that needs another reason not to go to bed.

I miss Chase the most as the sun goes down and the children are fighting sleep.  He was my greatest helpmate. I really don't know how to do any of this without him.

Questions

I have been questioning everything and really missing my Sweetheart.  

I don't know if its a faith issues or just part of the grieving process, but feeling as though he is just gone is so incredibly difficult.  Each day that passes it feels as though the life I once knew is so much further away and although it was not perfect it was a dream compared to what I now suffer through. I know that sounds very negative and I should really be looking forward to exciting things that are yet to come but not having Chase to look forward to them with is heartbreaking.

I have been searching for some reprieve something to show me that he's not just gone.  Because right now in these past few days it feels like that's all it is. That he's just gone. 

Right now things just feel so empty.  I hate it! 

I was browsing Pinterest just killing time when I came across this: 

"Sometimes I feel I lack faith in the eternities, when I grieve. And then I remember this precious moment of President Hinckley grieving his beloved Marjorie, and I remember that love means missing them in the mean time."

Something to ponder on. 

Waiting

Waiting to pick Grace up from preschool is one of those times that I desperately want to talk to Chase. Tell him all the things that I have accomplished this morning and ask him how his day is going. The radio on and phone in my hand, one of his favorite songs is playing and the weather is just how he likes it overcast and cool. It's crazy how random little things really spark the ache. He loved to pick her up from school.

Till My Last Day

Last November Chase and I attended a concert. Kip Moore, Justin Moore, and Eric Church. It was quite the experience, he had never taken me to a real concert before. I listened to all the performers prior to the concert and Chase studied via Spotify, but while at the concert he discovered that he really enjoyed Justin Moore.  He even hollered and cheered!

Chase often sent me songs on Spotify as a way of "dedicating" them to me. I have an entire play list. Some songs I really enjoy, others not so much. Tonight as the kids were eating dinner and I had that play list going this song came.

I know that Chase loved me till his last day, his last words to me in fact were "Emily, I love you." I am pretty sure he still does even though his last day on earth has passed, I am sure he's still out there. Hopefully, loving me as much as I'm still loving him.

A Phone Call Away

Its the simple little things that I see people take for granted everyday that I have the most difficult time with. They are things that I did not often enough express my gratitude for and things that I miss dearly. Today the thing that I wanted more than anything was just to be able to call him.

I just wanted to be able to call him up at work and hear his voice. See how his day was going, and see what our plans were for the upcoming weekend.  To be able to discuss how Henry rocked at gymnastics today and tell him that Grace was kind of whiney but looking forward to getting to be home this weekend.

The ability to just call or text him anytime I felt like it and knowing I would hear back from him momentarily is something that I took for granted. We talked so often whether via text, instant message, Voxer, email or even a good old fashioned phone call we were in constant contact. I knew what was going on at his office and he knew what was going on at home. In fact he worked less than 5 minutes away so if I wanted to  I could throw the kids into the car and run over to his office just to say hi and get a hug or a quick kiss if the mood stuck, and sometimes it did.  And sometimes I would call him and tell him I just needed him to come home for a few minutes, and the last few months while I have been so sick, he did, often.

Just to know how he is doing, what he is up to and who he is with would make all the difference in the world to me right now. I ache to hear him. I cried while running errands today because I reached for my phone to call him at work just to check in. I stopped myself before I hit send but it was something so natural, something I was so used to that I didn't even think twice about it.  Now, I think about it, often.

What Does One Do?

Tonight, while eating our late night dinner of chicken nuggets and fries I asked , "Grace, what do you think Dad does in Heaven?"

Without missing a beat she replied, "Knit!"

{Chase took up knitting shortly after I began to crochet, so we could "do" something together.}

One Month Down

Today marks one month since Chase has passed.

Pinterest

{This was one of the last songs Chase sent me on spotify and he would sing this line to me over and over as obnoxiously as possible.}

It seems just like any other day since his passing but different somehow.

Get up get Grace off to school, take Henry to a follow up appointment for a recent surgery. I am happy to announce that he is ear infection free at the moment and the doctor says its the best he has EVER seen his ears looking in the whole time he has been his ENT.  After the doctor we had to swing by the mechanic then back home to make lunch for the kids and get Grace off to her second preschool of the day. Grace seems a little off today. She in fact asked if she could please stay home from her second school and just sleep.  She is sad today but I know she will do much better if she stays busy and goes to school.   Henry is a little grouchy, he's running a low fever and very clingy.

Typical everyday. The only difference is Chase isn't here.

I do have a counseling appointment this evening and then an appointment with my bishop. I feel like even though my world has continued in its everyday, everything is different.  As I was driving home from my morning errands the radio was on, that is something I am slowly trying to ease myself back into, music can heal but it also can hurt. Back to the radio, the radio was on and the song on the radio talked about how things would never be the same again, but of course in a more lyrical way.  That's how I feel.  I will never be the same again.

I understand how people say that they can't live without someone but how realistic is that?  You can't will your heart to stop beating although sometimes you wish it would.  That is the problem with a heart, it continues on even though one of its main reasons for beating has ceased but there are those other reasons, children, parents, friends etc that make it keep beating.

Time Heals

They say that time heals all wounds however, I find that as time slowly passes I am having a more difficult time accepting my current circumstances. Its all seems so surreal. How could this really happen? This is the stuff Nicolas Sparks books are made of not the real life of your everyday average girl. I would have never in my worst dreams imagined that I would be a 28 year old mother of two, almost three, and a widow. That just doesn't happen in real life, not in any real life I have ever seen. Yes, you hear of great tragedies but never striking as close to home as YOUR home. 

  

My 29 year old husband died.  That's it.  He was here one minute and gone the next and nothing I did made a difference. Now I know that sounds pretty negative but that's how it feels to me. I don't understand how the timing of it all worked. That is something you will see me say over and over again, "I don't understand." Because quite frankly I don't. This whole situation makes no sense to me.  Things were finally starting to look up for my little family. We even had managed to take our family to Disneyland the week before this happened. To go from having one of the greatest weeks together as a family to being shattered in one week is inconceivable! 

I miss my husband, and even though I was the one to find him, I was the one to tell the team at the ER they had done all they could do. I was there when we dressed his body. I was there when his casket was closed the final time and I was there just before and just after they laid his body to rest. It doesn't seem real. At certain times of the day I expect a phone call or a text message to check on me and the kids. Or I think he will just drop by during lunch to see how we are like he had done countless times before.  Coming to the realization that none of those things are ever going to happen again. Realizing that our youngest will never get to hear his laugh or see how much joy he took in being a father just breaks my heart. 

I miss Chase with my whole heart and soul. It is very true about not realizing what you have until its gone. I am the first to admit that we had a very turbulent relationship but over the last 7 or 8 months we had really buckled down and focused on each other and our family. We really became each others best friend and were so excited to just be together. 

When we found out we were expecting and my monstrous morning sickness hit, he took over EVERYTHING. The day after he died was the first day in nearly four months that I had actually gotten our little girl ready for school. Chase had done it because if I got out of bed too early I would be sick all day long.  Chase took over the cooking and cleaning and pretty much everything. After the kids were in bed he would come sit down at the foot of the couch and just rub my feet because he knew that I couldn't stand to be touched or held but he wanted to feel like he was doing something for me to comfort me and honestly I think it was a comfort to him. 

Introductions are in Order

How does one begin a blog about starting over after a life altering event?  I guess a single blog post at a time. 

Perhaps, introducing myself would be a good start.

 Hello I am Auntie Em I have always been a fan of The Wizard of Oz and when my nephew was born the coveted title was officially bestowed upon me. It is one of my favorite things to be called, probably just short of Mom, and maybe just Em. I am a 28 year old mother of two, with a third due at the end of July-beginning of August.  I am the Jane of All Trades and master of none. I enjoy photography, crochet and other various crafting activities.  I have been lucky enough to be a stay at home mom for the last three years and I love spending time with my family watching my children learn and grow.

I have a five year old little girl that has an autism spectrum diagnosis of PDD.   Meaning she isn't quite up to where she should be developmentally, her motor skills are not quite up to par and she has some speech issues but she attends two different preschools and receives the additional help she needs to overcome her delays and is improving leaps and bound every day. She loves to be outside and do all the things that a normal five year old would love to do.  She is incredibly bright, funny and a huge sweetheart.  She makes friends wherever she goes and is such a loving child that you can't help but fall for her. 

My two year old son was born with Pierre Robin and has 10 surgeries to date. Pierre Robin is something that not many people know about and is typically associated with many other scary things. However my sons Pierre Robin is the most basic kind you can get (which we are going to count as a good thing) basically his lower jaw was too small when he was born so he couldn't breathe because there wasn't enough room in his mouth for his tongue. He had mandibular distraction (we lengthened his jaw 22mm on either side) when he was 12 days old and has had several follow up surgeries since then. A cleft palate is also part of Pierre Robin and we have had all the adventures that cleft palate parents get to experience as well.  He has had issues with poor muscle tone and as miracles would happen he started walking three weeks ago.  Due to the cleft palate (which is now repaired) and the poor muscle tone he hasn't been able to learn to speak YET! He is learning American Sign Language (ASL) and is a super smart kid he has about 60 signs he can use on a daily basis and is learning more every day! 

What makes me different from all the other moms out there in the blogging world, how is my plight any different from their day to day? Up until recently I would have told you that maybe I'm different because of my two very different children that both face their own challenges on a daily basis but now I have a different answer, well my two children are still part of it but I have something else that now gives me a new title, its one I am NOT proud to bear however it is one that currently defines me.  I am a mother of two, almost three and I am also now a widow.