Time Heals

They say that time heals all wounds however, I find that as time slowly passes I am having a more difficult time accepting my current circumstances. Its all seems so surreal. How could this really happen? This is the stuff Nicolas Sparks books are made of not the real life of your everyday average girl. I would have never in my worst dreams imagined that I would be a 28 year old mother of two, almost three, and a widow. That just doesn't happen in real life, not in any real life I have ever seen. Yes, you hear of great tragedies but never striking as close to home as YOUR home. 

  

My 29 year old husband died.  That's it.  He was here one minute and gone the next and nothing I did made a difference. Now I know that sounds pretty negative but that's how it feels to me. I don't understand how the timing of it all worked. That is something you will see me say over and over again, "I don't understand." Because quite frankly I don't. This whole situation makes no sense to me.  Things were finally starting to look up for my little family. We even had managed to take our family to Disneyland the week before this happened. To go from having one of the greatest weeks together as a family to being shattered in one week is inconceivable! 

I miss my husband, and even though I was the one to find him, I was the one to tell the team at the ER they had done all they could do. I was there when we dressed his body. I was there when his casket was closed the final time and I was there just before and just after they laid his body to rest. It doesn't seem real. At certain times of the day I expect a phone call or a text message to check on me and the kids. Or I think he will just drop by during lunch to see how we are like he had done countless times before.  Coming to the realization that none of those things are ever going to happen again. Realizing that our youngest will never get to hear his laugh or see how much joy he took in being a father just breaks my heart. 

I miss Chase with my whole heart and soul. It is very true about not realizing what you have until its gone. I am the first to admit that we had a very turbulent relationship but over the last 7 or 8 months we had really buckled down and focused on each other and our family. We really became each others best friend and were so excited to just be together. 

When we found out we were expecting and my monstrous morning sickness hit, he took over EVERYTHING. The day after he died was the first day in nearly four months that I had actually gotten our little girl ready for school. Chase had done it because if I got out of bed too early I would be sick all day long.  Chase took over the cooking and cleaning and pretty much everything. After the kids were in bed he would come sit down at the foot of the couch and just rub my feet because he knew that I couldn't stand to be touched or held but he wanted to feel like he was doing something for me to comfort me and honestly I think it was a comfort to him.